Curious

Kangaroo Care

The next morning Taylor was woken up by fluorescent lights and a tray of hospital slop. Nurses came in to check Laura's vitals and deliver breakfast which was a watery omelette substance, and some juice. Taylor sat up in her chair, wiping away drool and fixing her hair.

"Good morning...Taylor is it?" A morning nurse chuckled at Taylor's embarrassment at her disheveled-ness. "Don't you fret now, we've seen the worst of it." She reassured her as she watched the younger woman grow red. Laura squeezed Taylor's hand as the nurses left.

"Sorry they woke you." She apologized while poking at the breakfast. Taylor stood up, shaking her head.

"Its fine. I...can I go see Ella? Is that allowed?" She asked Laura, her brows furrowed. The blonde felt out of place, unsure if she could visit the very child she was going to help raise. It was lonesome and sad.

"Taylor, you're on her birth certificate." Laura revealed quietly. She smiled at Taylor, watching her reaction unfold. "Surprise."

Taylor's whole world stopped. Birth certificate? Her head whipped around to Laura, blue eyes dark with confusion. "How? How can you do that, we aren't married. Laura, I don't understand..."

Laura raise up her hand, indicating that the blonde needed to stop talking. Taylor reluctantly closed her mouth and sat on the end of Laura's bed, shaking her head.

"Tay. The birth certificate now has 'parental guardians', not birth parents. I was able to sign both our names easily. It's not like Ben's would show up. Ella is our daughter, not his. I know we've been up and down, and it's been rough. But Ella is here and you've been the world to me Taylor, and I heard how much you struggled being on the other side of that wall while I gave birth. So I won't subject you to that." Laura explained very calmly, seeing as this had been in her mind for months now. Taylor's eyes watered and she turned away, not wanting to Laura see it.

"I love you. And I love Ella, so much." She said as a nurse walked in.

"Sorry to interrupt but we're going to help Laura with her shower this morning." The nurse stated, pulling in an iv drip pole and robe. Taylor got up off the bed, looking at Laura one last time before walking down the hall and to the check in desk for the NICU.

•

"I'm here to visit my daughter, Ella." Taylor said with a hint of uncertainty in her voice. She was still so scared she would be rejected. The desk clerk looked up, sliding over a paper on a clipboard.

"Newborns are very sensitive, we will get you gowned up but first can you list your allergies and any medical conditions you have. We just want to make sure Ella doesn't catch anything." She explained with a smile. Taylor nodded slowly, going to scribble out the form. She could see behind glass walls rows of infant bassinets both open and enclosed, depending on the issues at hand. Groups of parents stood watch over their children, and med students shuffled back and forth checking vitals instantly. The woman behind the desk handed Taylor a blue paper gown, and hand sanitizer.

"We ask that you please sanitize yourself and cover up with the gown over your clothes." She explained, adding a name tag to the pile. Taylor quickly slid the paper gown over her leggings and flannel from the previous night, scrawling her name across the name tag, and finishing off with a few pumps of hand sanitizer.

"Thank you," Taylor said as she walked towards the glass doors, taking a hesitant breath.

"All ready there? I'll let Ella's team lead doctor fill you in on her," The desk manager said as she opened the door for Taylor and let a man in scrubs take hold of the situation.

"Hi Taylor, I'm Dr. Jacobs. You can call me Pete though. Please, no formalities. We've been following Ella through her birth to now, and I'm a counter part for Dr. Yuriko. I take care of emergency pediatrics and specialize in infants." He explained, leading Taylor through hallways, and half rooms just full of children and their parents. "Now, miss Ella here. Is first of all adorable. She's really stinking cute." He teased, making his way into her area. Ella was laid up in the bassinet, a cover over for protection.

Taylor took a step back from the bassinet once her eyes began to travel around seeing the tubes that Ella was hooked up to.

"Don't worry. This happens a lot, you can sit down." The doctor said, gesturing to a chair beside Taylor. She sank down, her happiness at seeing Ella suddenly vanished. "It's scary. She's connected to tubes and lines and she's tiny. I want to let you know that she is healthy. And Ella is here for development of her lungs and heart. We're making sure she's strong enough before she leaves."

Taylor gave a slow nod of understanding while her eyes stayed entranced on the little figure across from her. Ella was currently sleeping, her arms and legs wiggling as much as they could with the tubes attached to them. She had on a little purple knit cap as well, and socks. Her tummy was exposed, the healing placenta wound still fresh. Taylor moved the chair a little closer, intrigued by Ella as she started to wake.

"Does she have to be connected to everything all the time?" Taylor asked softly, fighting the urge to reach out to the glass. The doctor sat down beside her, placing a hand on her knee cap.

"Yes and no. Yes she does but not everything. We keep heart monitor and her baby iv in at all times, but catheter not always. Here." He handed Taylor hand sanitizer and began to wheel Ella and the monitors to a private room. The newborn woke up at the movement, letting out a wail in confusion. Taylor panicked as she hadn't heard her cry yet. Crying made it real, all of this was real.

"We do this thing here, we call it kangaroo care. While Ella's mom recovers from an exhaustive birth, typically I have interns do it like twice a day. Skin to skin contact but you're also Ella's guardian right?"

Taylor looked up at the doctor,  slowly nodding as she sat down in the chair. Her eyes were wide and the irises swimming with all of her fears and doubts.

"Would you like to hold Ella for skin to skin contact? You'll need to lower the gown and unbutton your top, she'll be against your chest."

Taylor began to push down the gown, still not speaking much out of awe and terror. The doctor gently closed the blinds of the room and shut the door to give Taylor ample privacy. He took off the plastic cover for the bassinet and unhooked Ella from what he could, such as her O2 counter. Slowly he cradled her against his side, helping her adjust to the cool air of the room. Taylor unbuttoned her flannel and shifted down her bra strap, exposing creamy freckle marked skin.

And then it happened.

With gentle ease the doctor lowered Ella into Taylor's arms and helped her pull the baby flush against her chest. Ella stopped crying, shaking and shivering. She let out loud sighs of contentment instead.

"This is her receiving blanket," Pete offered, laying the blanket over Ella's back and across Taylor's exposed chest. He crept out of the room, allowing the two to bond in complete privacy.

"Hi Ella," Taylor spoke quietly, nervously. Although Ella was a mere hours old, and not much of a threat. She wasn't scared of her, naturally she was scared of what could happen to her. "I guess, I uh...I'm your mom too. I know, I'm not saying it with much confidence. But I really love your mom, and she's put me on your birth certificate which is amazing. It's like really sweet." Taylor began rambling to Ella, feeling her wiggle at the feeling of the vibrations as she spoke. "I've loved her for...a long time. Longer than I could admit to myself. Ella, my sweet Ella. I love you. I don't know what you'll grow up to be. If you'll even stay Ella, that's for you to decide. But I spent so long being a nanny, and I always kind of said like I wouldn't be a mom. But that was before I found love. And Ella, I need you to stay strong because we're counting on you. You came a bit early, in fact you came...the night I was born too. Just after the clock struck. Maybe you knew. Maybe something told you to come then. I just know that you're my daughter Ella. That's all I could ask for." Taylor ended her rambling with a kiss to Ella's wrinkled forehead. It felt nice opening up her feelings to an infant however the door to the room creaked open. Laura poked her head in. She had heard it all on the other side.

"Oh there she is. Isn't she amazing Tay?" She asked, trying to be quiet. Taylor's head whipped around and she held her finger to her lips, telling Laura to be quieter. She didn't want the peacefulness on her chest to be disturbed.

"She's beautiful. I just, I can't stop crying she's so pretty," Taylor hiccuped as a trail of tears slid down her cheeks. Laura walked inside, trailing along an iv bag with her. She sat down beside Taylor, wrapping an arm around her.

"It's okay to cry." Laura kissed Taylor's cheek, her head resting against hers. She stroked Ella's back, feeling her daughter wiggle. This moment was solidifying, a moment of proof. That Ella would be their daughter, and nothing could fight that.