mamma mia | jeremy jordan

23. again and again

"Oh! You've brought me roses!" Ana turned red at the sight of Ben on her doorstep, dressed in his best button down shirt and khakis, flowers in his left hand, and wine in the right.

"I figured you might need something to dress up the center of your dining room table." He stepped into the apartment and lightly kissed her cheek as he passed her by.

Ana accepted the roses he handed her as he slipped off his shoes. He followed her into the kitchen, where he sat on a stool and she busied herself with finding a vase in the cabinets.

"So, how was your interview?" Ben tapped his fingers against the counter, his knee bouncing as per usual.

Ana brushed her hair behind her shoulder and filled the vase with water. She suddenly remembered what she had meant to tell to him, "I got it."

She bit her lip, setting the vase down in front of Ben on the counter. Ben clapped his hands together, standing up from the stool in order to round the table and envelope her in a hug, "I'm so proud of you!"

Ana wrapped her arms around his torso, being as she was much shorter than him. He kissed the top of her head, and Ana felt the heat in her face.

"Thank you for getting it for me." She rugged away and leaned into his arriving kiss.

Heat, again, in her face.

But not in her stomach.

—

Laura and her boyfriend, Nathan, arrived shortly after Ana set the table with the roses and freshly washed silverware and plates. Laura had already began to make the Italian cuisine which was on the menu for tonight and instructed Ana to watch carefully over it as she went and met up with Nathan. Ana, who lacked skill in the food department, had managed to do just that.

They each took their seats, across the table from one another, and dig into the conversation and food. Ana had fell into the routine ever since she began dating Ben exclusively. It was nice, normal, and she felt guiltless.

But it was boring, bland, and sexless.

Yes, even Ana Devit had a need to be given attention to- at least every once and awhile. And Ben Fankhauser lacked that spark in the bedroom. In fact, he didn't even want to do anything.

"We should wait until we're more serious, you know? Like when we're planning on getting married."

Ana definitely couldn't see herself walking down the aisle to a life of picket fences and three children, bat mitzvah's and all.

Ben wanted to move out of the city if he ever got married, and buy a great big house with a sunroof and a parlor. Blue walls all throughout with a white, polished trim. His parents would, of course, live down the street. In the living room would be a bar cart, but only after the children were old enough to comprehend the word no.

He talked too much, Ana thought.

She enjoyed his enthusiasm, and loved being one of his best friends. And it's not that she hated him romantically- he was pleasant. All kisses and peaches and that Jazz.

But she just didn't see herself with him- sometimes she had to ask herself if she actually was.

She also wondered if he was a repressed gay, what with his various comments on her fashion choices (which improved ever since they became exclusive) and his constant need for iced coffee with the collapsible plastic straw he bought on Amazon.

Ana was all for good clothes and saving the planet, but she didn't know any guy who had as much passion as he.

Except for Jeremy. He, of course, never cared about fashion ("You look gorgeous in everything you wear.") But he did recycle, even when he was in his drunkest state.

He also kept multiple reusable straws in his kitchen drawers, ones he had to replace after Ashley kept the ones he had owned before.

Anyways, Ana didn't know if she wanted to continue dating Ben. He seemed happy, however, and she didn't want to ruin that for him.

What she wanted was Jeremy. Today, tomorrow, yesterday. Again and again like she used to be able to have it.

She didn't even know where he was. He went off the map whenever Newsies closed nearly two months ago. Ben told Ana a month ago, when she last asked about him, that he had no idea where he was or what he was doing.

Whenever Ana had free moments in her day, she'd look out across her balcony and at his window, praying that he hadn't slipped back into his alcoholism.

Their divorce had been finalized, a month and a half ago. That's when he called Ana and wondered if she would come over.

She said no. He asked why. She told him about Ben, and he hung up on her.

She almost went over the other day when she noticed his Instagram had been deactivated.

But she didn't have the courage to face him.

Until now.