Breathe Again

Why Not Me?

Today makes week thirteen the last day of my first trimester. I'm waiting in the exam room for my ultrasound. Chris couldn't make it do to the fact he's in New York getting ready to host SNL. They have been trying to get him to do it for years. He finally caved since he's going to be filming there for the next month or two. He felt bad he couldn't make it but I told him I'd FaceTime as soon as I was done.

Dr. Baxter and a nurse walk in. "Hello, Maggie you ready to hear the baby's heartbeat today?" I nod and pull my shirt up. We go through the usual routine but then her face falls and she turns the screen away from me. "You here alone today?" I slowly nod now feeling concerned. She turns the screen back to me, "Someone is going to need drive you home. Maggie, I'm so sorry but you've lost the baby." She sighs and shows me where my baby is. My son or daughter is dead, inside me. 

"What did I do wrong? I felt fine. I wasn't cramping or bleeding. Why do I need someone to drive me home?" I start to cry. She explains that the baby needs to be taken out even though she or he was still tiny she still has to go in and remove it. It's essentially a glorified abortion they call it a D&C. She leaves quickly as I'm left to wipe my belly off. I should have known this would happen.

I pull out my phone and call Chris. No answer. I call Simon and tell him to take an Uber here.

By the time he arrives the procedure has already been done and they have me waiting in a wheelchair. Simon runs in and sees me. "Maggie what happened?" I start to cry more like sob and he helps me out of the chair and we walk to my car. Once in the car he asks me again even though he knows already. "I... lost the... baby. I was alone." I sob. I cry the whole ride back home. Simon helps me in the house and up to my room.

"I called Chris again. I left a message for him to call you when he can. Do you need anything else?" I wince as I look up, all the sobbing has given me a headache. "A new uterus. Apparently mine won't have any more children."

"Si, I need to talk to someone who gets it. I need my husband but he is unreachable." I feel like crying but I don't have anything left. "Maggie it will be ok." He says and hugs me. I roll over and drift off to sleep. 

I wake up hours later and check my phone. Nothing. I check the time, just a little after five. I get in the car and go to the one person I probably shouldn't but he gets it.

I pull into the rehab center and sign in before making my way to Derek's room. I knock on the slightly open door. He looks up and waves me in. "Hey." He states as I walk in and his smile fades as he sees my face. "Whoa, wait what happened?" He states getting up to hug me. "I lost the baby, Derek. And I was alone. I had to have a D&C. It was horrible." I cry all over again as he holds me. 

"Maggie, this wasn't your fault. Where's Chris?" He asks as we sit down on the small couch in his room. "He's in New York and I can't get a hold of him. Derek what if I can't give him a child? I miscarried our child as well. Those twins fucked me up." I cry but try to crack a joke. "Oh my god I'm so selfish. How are you doing?" He laughs. "Don't worry about me. You're thing is much more pertinent than my situation. But I'm fine though. Try Chris again." I shake my head.

"Why not?" He asks. Honestly I feel like shit for even thinking this. Like I'm cheating on him or something. "He won't understand. You've been through this with me before, you get it." Derek kindly smiles and holds my hand. "But Maggie, he's your husband now and this was his baby too. Give him a chance." I shake my head and lean back onto the couch, my head barely touching the wall behind me. "I just want to be alone."

"But Maggie, you're here. With me, that's not being alone. Look I'm here for you no matter what, but I can't be your number one anymore. I love you and you'll get through this. Go home and call Chris until he answers. He needs to be there for you." He's been in rehab for two weeks and already he's becoming the old Derek, my best friend. "Alright, Dr. Phil, I'll see you later." He helps me up and hugs me tight. "You'll be ok, you always are." He says.