Head Above Water

Chapter 5

When Kim was little, about five years old, he started visiting his grandfather on weekends. His grandmother had passed away when he could not remember and his grandfather was all too happy to see him.

His grandfather became his best friend over the years since his parents barely noticed his presence. He taught Kim how to drive a car on the small farm he lived on just outside of the city and Kim became pretty good at it. He was going to get his learner and driver license in one go when he would turn eighteen in a few months but when his grandfather suddenly passed away there was no reason to do anything to impress anyone.

Kim could tell him how he struggled keeping up his grades and how sometimes he felt non existant and he listened, really listened, in return Kim did errands for him and he taught Kim some basic cooking skills and how to play soccer. They watched soccer matches on tv together and Kim had his first taste of beer with his grandfather. That was probably the reason he never got stoned drunk like kids his age except for that fateful night.

He heard his mother let out a scream over the phone and when he came downstairs he saw her crying. His father told him that his grandfather had a heart attack and died instantly.

It was the first time and only time Kim saw his mother mourn her father's loss. He remembered looking back at Ken but he had already grabbed his car keys and left them alone. Soon after Karen wiped away her tears and said she had to go back to work.

They left Kim alone and in shock. He stood in the kitchen in the exact same spot he received the news for quite some time before he moved. He called Chad and remember them sneaking into a bar where he got stoned drunk. He drank until everything in his body felt limp and vomit sloshed on the floor. They were kicked out and he remembered getting into a taxi, Chad arguing with the driver before the car stopped. He was dragged inside his house, up the stairs and onto his spinning bed.

The next morning with his massive hangover, he managed to concocted a salad of onion, tomatoes, vinegar with loads of pepper and salt his grandfather taught him.

But it didn't matter how much he drank, whether he used drugs or not, his grandfather was not coming back and no one in the house talked about him again especially his mother.

Karen became more distant but at night he imagined he heard her cry for the loss of her father. As his sole heir she did not visit the farm. Whether she sold the animals remained a question and Kim, even though his heart yearned to go there he suppressed the feeling.

It was the only thing he learned from his parents, not to feel. And so he was alone and he began bottling up his feelings, his thoughts, his concerns. He watched soccer matches alone in his house and he talked alone at the game on tv like a crazy mad person, like someone left alone in the world.

He started having insomnia, his body became tired but his mind did not let him sleep. He lost his appetite and no one noticed his clothes became a size too big. And yet despite how cut off from the world he felt he still went to parties because Roche and Chad dragged him there and he did it for them because he knew how dissapointed people can make you feel but the truth he suppressed was that people in general was so disappointing like a failed relationship where nothing you do is right.