unexpected - ruel van dijk

anxiety

we just stare at each other. almost like we have so much to tell one another, but neither of us are able to form any actual words. i think back to when he drunkenly told me he loved me after that party and to when i almost kissed him when i was drunk. i wonder if he remembers that he told me he loved me. these feelings are so real. so pure. but i have to squash them down; i don't have a choice. this is the first time i've felt appreciated in the longest time. i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i ruined it.

i think ruel can read my mind. his smile is relaxed and i can tell he isn't going to push it. he tosses another chip into the air and again catches it in his mouth. i feel kind of stupid. any other girl my age would've been making out with him already. i think about all of the fans who have literally been stalking my instagram since the moment we started hanging out. i think about daniel's girlfriend, who is also a fan.

"what are you thinking about?" ruel breaks the silence and asks me.

"a lot" i tell him. his eyes have a mischievous twinkle in them.

"like what?" he asks me again.

"i just find it so weird how you can have so many fans, and so many... admirers" i say, "and still want to hang out with people like me."

ruel shakes his head. "brynne," he says "what do you mean people like you?"

"you know..." i say. "people who aren't... cool?"

"you are cool though" he says, almost pleadingly. "i hang out with you because you don't think of me as if i'm not human"

"not human?" i ask him.

"like... i'm a prize to be won." he says. "not once have you wanted to take a photo with me to upload to your instagram to show off that you're friends with me" he sighs.

"why would i do that? as if i'd want people knowing i'm friends with you" i joke. ruel smiles and shakes his head slowly. his eyes are trained on mine.

"you're real" ruel says. "all of your insecurites and your anxieties... they're just so real." he says. i look down at the floor as my cheeks turn a light shade of crimson. "and you're kind;" he adds. "so kind." i begin to object but he cuts me off. "you drove me home that night when i was drunk," ruel looks me dead in the eyes. "i meant it you know."

"meant what?" i ask him. although i'm 99% sure i know what he's referring to.

"you know" he tells me. and yeah, i do. this is too much too soon. i look up at him. his face is so sincere. he's so pure. i'd have thought being a pop star would make someone a dickhead. but he seriously can't do anything wrong.

i can't do this. my insides are screaming at me. my mind becomes foggy. i don't know what to do. i can't lead him on like this. i know for a fact that i can't commit. my anxiety has shot through the roof and ruel can tell. he gets off the park bench he was sitting on and sits down next to me. he wraps me up tightly into his arms.

"i get it brynne," he whispers to me "it's okay." a few tears escape my eyes. ruel hugs me tighter. holy shit i hate myself.

"i'm sorry" i stammer.

"it's alright brynne," he says quietly. "it'll always be alright." i close my eyes and rest my head in the crook of his neck. "you don't have to say anything back" he says. "i know how you feel about this." i have so much i want to say to him. i want to scream it off a rooftop; but instead all i do is cry. i can't even stop myself. "shh brynne it's okay, it's okay" ruel whispers. "it's okay, it's okay". he continues to hug me until i calm down. i don't understand why my anxiety is like this. it's gotten to the point where i can't even control myself when i'm having an attack. ruel pulls away from the hug and stares at me right in the eyes as if he's trying to read my thoughts.

"i'm sorry" is all i'm able to get out. ruel shakes his head.

"you're human." he says. "you're real." i stare at him remorsefully. "your anxiety isn't a flaw, and it definitely isn't something you should be sorry for." he tells me. "i should be the one who's sorry," he laughs.

i laugh half-heartedly as i wipe my tears away. we stand up and walk towards the car. ruel polishes of the last few chips in the box before throwing it in the bin. i feel so terrible, my emotions are all over the place. i don't know how or what to feel.

"are you excited to come to my sydney show?" he asks me as we get back into the car. he takes it upon himself to get in the drivers seat as i'm probably not fit to drive. i nod and a small smile spreads across my face.

"yeah" i tell him. "i am."

"it's gonna be insane" he tells me. "all of my other friends are coming too, so you can hang out with them and coco while i'm onstage."

"yay" i say happily. he drops me home and my mum drops him home.

"are you okay brynney?" my mum asks me as she walks back through the door. "ruel told me what happened at the park." she says.

"yeah," i say half-heartedly. "i'm fine." it's just my stupid anxiety i think to myself. i hate it so much. i just sat and cried when a boy basically told me he loved me. i'm such an idiot. i walk slowly upstairs and crash onto my bed. i bury my head in my pillows and scream. why can't i do anything right? i turn over onto my back and stare helplessly at my ceiling, wishing that maybe when i wake up tomorrow morning i'll have at least ~some~ social skills.

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i'm gonna start trying to update this more regularly. but we'll see how that goes bahahahah.

anyhow, i just wanted to explain the point of this story a bit further. the main thing about this fanfic is that i didn't want to follow the typical cliche fanfic storyline, for example where the two main characters fall in love straight away. i don't even know if i even want them to fall in love at all!

i just wanted this fanfic to be real (i mean as real as it possibly can be). i want it to address real teenage problems, such as brynne's anxiety and i don't want to sugarcoat everything and jump to a happily ever after storyline straight away.

so i'm sorry if you're disappointed that this story isn't based upon euphoria, but bear with me; i'm getting to it eventually!

don't forget to like and comment if you enjoyed!!

xx