unexpected - ruel van dijk

anxiety

today's the day i've been dreading. i'm flying over to europe to surprise him at his last concert and then coco has organised for me to stay with ruel and his team in paris.

to say i am scared is a complete and utter understatement. i am 100% sure ruel hates me. i completely lost my temper at him when he was only trying to help me. of course i feel terrible, and of course i want to apologise, but to fly halfway across the world with the knowledge that there is a high percentage of being rejected, doesn't sit well with me.

coco picks me up at 9am. the drive is silent for the first few minutes, but coco has a small smile playing on her lips. 

"don't be scared" she says. i laugh nervously.

"i'm not scared" i tell her as we pull up to a set of traffic lights. coco turns to me and looks at me comically. 

"right" she says.

"fine" i huff. "i'm scared" i tell her. "i know i screwed up. and i'm scared he won't forgive me".

"brynne" coco says. "i wouldn't be taking you halfway across the world if i didn't think he was going to forgive you". i sigh.

"i hope that's the case." i smile sadly. this whole ruel situation had been clouding my mind ever since the perth show. i missed him. i missed him so bad. i never realised to what extent i needed him in my life until i completely kicked him out. he doesn't deserve this.

"he stopped singing it" coco says.

"singing what?" i ask.

"free time-" she tells me.

"what?!" i ask her, shocked. "why?! that song is literally my favourite!"

"exactly" coco tells me. "it's too painful for him to sing it." she says. "it reminds him of you." i look at the floor of the car.

"i hate this" i tell her. she looks at me quizzically. "my anxiety" i say. "it ruins everything." coco looks at me with empathy written in her eyes. "i liked him." i exclaim. "i LIKE him still." a small smile crosses coco's face. "but i've screwed it up." 

"brynne, it's nothing we can't fix" coco tells me.

"i hope you're right" i sigh, almost giving up the fight. i decide to trust coco's judgement. she is his sister after all.

we arrive at the airport, check in, go through security and before i know it i'm on a plane to amsterdam which will be his last show.

"i've told nate we're coming" coco tells me. "he's making ruel play free time at his amsterdam show"

"oh shit" i say.

"knowing ruel, he'll probably get a bit emotional onstage." she says.

"fuck, that's gonna make me cry" i tell her.

"at least you can cry together" coco smirks. i laugh and roll my eyes. i sleep for the remainder of the plane trip, and am woken by the announcement that our plane will be landing in under and hour. 

"damn-" coco says. "you slept for this whole trip! you definitely won't be jet lagged" and thank fuck for that. i couldn't imagine how horrendous the jet lag would be for ruel, touring internationally like this. "we're going to have about an hour and a half to get ready at our hotel for the show"

"okay" i say, as our plane lands on the runway. eventually we make it to the area to pick up our bags. nate, michelle and kate are waiting for us. kate gives me the tightest hug i've ever been given. they load our bags into ruel's van and drop us to the hotel. coco and i get ready, and i put on a black glitter dress and my doc martins.