The Bad Idea Factory

Dialogue Prompts III

None of these belong to me.

"Look how pretty my notes are!" "Too bad you'll never study them."

"Why wouldn't we be angry? You ate all the cereal and faked your death for three years!"

"Quick! Catch that cat!" "Why?" "It stole my wallet!"

"Feel free to admire me."

"Is it okay if I throw myself out the window now?"

"Why do you need chloroform at 2 AM?" "I can't sleep." "But chloroform?"

"Please stop petting the test subjects."

"I feel like a child but I look like an adult, and I think that throws a lot of people off."

"I refuse to have this negativity in my eyesight. Remove yourself at once."

"This is a lot harder than it looks, and I don't think you realize that."

"You better put that knife down." "Fight me, you ceramic jerk."

"Come for the accent, stay for the existential crisis." "Yeah, I'm just gonna leave now."

"Sand... f*** off." *nothing happens* "Nothing happened." "Because you're about as intimidating as a butterfly."

"Holy mother of rectangles." "That would be a very painful birth."

"I'm just a humble trash can, rolling my way through life." "That's a barrel." "I'm a trash barrel."

"No one cares." "Buddy, the first three people you think of when you say that are the ones that care most."

"Hear me out." "Why should I listen to you?"

"I'm fine! You're the one with bullet holes!" "These? These are just scratches. I've had worse from my sister's cat."

"What tragic series of events led you to a life of crime?" "Some kid threw a lockpick at my head, and I thought, 'when life gives you lemons...'" "That's... it?"

"Ow! My virginity!" "Dude, what the heck."

"Is communism free-range?" "Why?" "I'm a vegan."

"Dude, I have not paid for music since 2006." "I forgot that was a crime." "Me too, to be honest."

"You came back." "I promised, didn't I?"

"This is so great. You two are so romantic." "You, sir, have ruined the moment." "I'll leave now."

"You look like a Picasso painting." "Do you know how Picasso painted people?"

"Somehow, you don't even need to open your mouth to give me a headache."

"I made you breakfast." "Cereal?" "It's the only thing I can't burn."

"Now I would tell you my evil scheme, but that would be dumb."

"How did you survive that?" "Uh... magic?" "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DIE!"

"Who gave you the right to hit me?"

"I want you to die right now." *dies* "Why did you have to die?"

"Joke's on you, I stole your dog! Now, who's got the upper ground?"

"The lamp!" "What about it?" "It's sitting there." "Like an inanimate object."

"They've never met." "Really? They're like hummingbirds." "Hummingbirds who have also never met."

"Her eyes are like two brown circles with black dots on them." "What a brilliant deduction."

"Bonus points for your eerily comprehensive knowledge of The Muppets. Now stop talking."

"Remember, kids, mental illness and heavy metal poisoning are not substitutes for talent and hard work. So get some therapy and don't drink paint water."

*loud crash* "I'm having a problem."

"I need a knife - your sweater is a beautiful colour, I love it - KNIFE."

"Sometimes you find dead bodies when you're not really expecting it and you have to kind of just go with it." "How often does that happen?" "I'm the only one allowed to get excited about finding dead bodies."

"So, needless to say, she peed on me." "You did not need to say that." "Duh, that's why I said needless."

"Why are you so late?" "I can't find my backup cardigan."

"I'm a genius. A GENIUS." *loud crash*

"Don't underwater cave dive, it's too dangerous." "Why, would I get lost?" "No. Scuba vampires." "What."

"Don't hold hands. That's how babies happen."

"Someone accused me today of being a homophobe. Come on. You can't be a theatre major and a homophobe. That's not how it works."