I had gotten home a few hours ago and I decided to just be alone for a little bit. That was a horrible idea. I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling just thinking of everything horrible in my life, basically I was getting depressed again. That's the reason I'm usually with Sam or Claire or just someone because when I'm with people I tend to not get depressed. When your alone surrounded by the darkness it makes it easy for horrid thoughts to take over your mind and that's exactly what is happening now. I made the stupid decision to look through comments on my social medias and YouTube and they mainly were hate which was normal.
I thought I every bad thing that's ever happened, every person that's screwed me over or left me, every time I've been bullied or made fun of, every time my dad's lashed out on me, every fight or breakup I've had with Sam. There were just so manny bad memories that thinking of the good wouldn't really make a difference.
People think that depression is some kind of attention seeking joke but it's not. It's horrible, no matter how many friends you have you still feel lonely and empty, no matter how many times you try and get out of bed your feet don't want to move knowing you'll have to face the harsh realities of the world. I bet your thinking 'your dating Sam Pottorff how could life be horrible' well there's a lot of ways you see, dating Sam can't just stop every problem I have, he doesn't know I've started cutting again, or that I'm still depressed, or that I've thought of just sealing one to many pills or cutting an inch deeper. Don't get me wrong I love him with all me heart but he can't make it all go away, it just stops or a period of time then comes back or I just get better at hiding it.
My finger traced lightly over the scars and scabs on my wrist that I have from the past as the thought of cutting again became more and more tempting by the second. I cut when Sam and I broke up and I guess I never really stopped it just became less frequent. I sighed and grabbed my phone and headphones and slowly made my way over to the bathroom as I turned ok the light and closed the door.
I grabbed my blade from the bottom drawer under my wash clothes as I played my 'depressed' playlist and sunk down the wall until I was sitting on the ground with the blade inbetween my right index finger and thumb. I had already taken all of my bracelets off earlier so my wrist was bare.
I sighed as I stared at the blade. I traced over a few of the scars with the flat part of the blade thinking of the memories of each scar and the reasons why I cut that time. Each scar holds a memory, a sad one but a memory none the less. I felt a few warm tears run down my cheek as I though of each memory as Little Do You Know by Alex and Sierra played in the background through my headphones.
I brought the tip of the blade to a portion of my skin that hasn't been cut yet as I slowly made my way across my skin. The pain feels good, it's not a bad pain. It feels like it's what I deserve, like this pain is what I get instead of a perfect storytale life, I get this life and this is all I have sadly.
My phone started buzzing making the music quieter.
* Sammy Baby 💕 Is calling...*
I sighed and shakily pressed the lock button making it stop vibrate as my music went back to full volume. I looked at the fresh cut as blood seeped out, through my torn skin. My mom would always tell me we shouldn't ruin our skin or our bodies because there the only ones we have but she doesn't know the feeling you get when you cut open a slit of your skin with the tiny silver blade, I guess you feel satisfied by giving yourself the pain. It's not easy to describe the feeling unless you've experienced it yourself.
My phone started vibrating on the ground again as the music quieted, I sighed and pressed the ignore button ending the call.
A tear fell onto my wrist just as the blade touched my wrist as the water mixed with my blood, dissolving the water and turning it red. I made another cut as more blood seeped out.
