Red vs Blue Short Stories/OneShots

Church's Guide To Keeping Your Sanity

A figure walks to the center of the screen and looks straight at the viewer. Cobalt armor and a sniper rifle in hand, he sighs as he starts his talk.

Church: Hello. My name is Leonard Church. I've gone by the names 'Director,' 'Alpha,' and 'Epsilon.' But one thing that I think is the most challenging is keeping your sanity. Here's how I've kept mine throughout my life before death.

Fades to the next scene showing Church in the beginning as Alpha in Project Freelancer.

Church: Before I met the idiots in Blood Gulch, I was with Project Freelancer. How I kept my sanity here is already known. I was fragmented into separate personalities and left broken. That's my first example of keeping it. Multiple Personalities or fragments.

Scene shifts to the canyon of Blood Gulch. Church's voice can be heard while viewing the scene.

Church: Now those idiots I mentioned earlier? You won't believe how many times I wanted to commit suicide but this is during a time when I believed I was a ghost and that Caboose team killing me was normal.

Blue Base is zoomed in and the scene shows Church, Tucker, and Flowers.

Church: The moment I met Tucker, I knew I hated him the most. Every word he said back then was like nails on a chalkboard but in my head and hearing his wannabe sex life. Flowers was my savior until he died. And when Caboose showed up, I started to ignore both of them. Second example is ignoring the annoying person.

Scene switches to the Reds and Blues working together to stop O'Malley. Church can be heard groaning.

Church: The Reds were even worse than Tucker and Caboose combined. Or just Caboose because Tucker became manageable soon enough. Sarge was always trying to find a way to kill Grif. Simmons and Grif bicker nonstop. And then there's Donut. Because he can't be annoying enough, he's a guy that likes feminine stuff. The pink armor is one thing but seriously, he complains about color coordination, decorations, and ruins insults.

Church: Even being stuck in a cell with Grif was annoying. For a lazy person, you'd think he'd be forced into the showers just for hygienic purposes. I was surrounded by a bunch of annoying idiots and some Freelancers who by the way, aren't as friendly as you may think.

Scene shifts showing just Church in the middle of the screen again.

Church: All in all, the best way to keep your goddamn sanity is to not let yourself get involved with other peoples' problems and staying away from idiots that are sure to annoy you to death. And if you end up finding yourself surrounded by idiots and can't get away because they keep reviving you or because you're always dragged into some elaborate adventure, just imagine a life where they don't exist only to see that its so fucking far away that you'll never reach it.

As Church's figure fades into the darkness, another voice pops in.

Grif: Yeah yeah. As much as you tried to keep your sanity, I'll tell you how to be lazy and sit on your ass all day without putting in any effort at all. And then I'll come to your house and yoink your Oreos before you even realize I came.