The last time

13: Him

It had been another draining, frightening, and anxiety ridden day. My first day back in the real world. I had broken our agreed upon arrangement of 'space' and called Nat on my way to work to talk about how I'd felt watching her talk to Rich when he was so obviously flirting with her back in May. I don't know why this was something I kept thinking about. We'd been over it. She could tell he was making advances. She was uncomfortable too. She had wanted me to do something about it. I knew all of this but back then she was mine and I hated that she just let a guy flirt with her and looked like she was flirting with him right in front of me. I guess as a man, I'll never understand the urge women feel to accommodate men who make them uncomfortable. I'll never understand how it feels to be afraid to just turn someone down. I wish I could. Then maybe I could just let go of what I saw. Of course, we ended up talking about my feelings from the past 24 hours without her. Nat had told me that no matter what the agreement was, I was someone she loved first and space didn't have to mean silence. That had helped. The conversation was cut short by her work. I sent her a message later on after a particularly stressful moment at work and asked to call when I got off. I needed her voice. Her presence in my life. I needed the girl I loved.
At first when I called we shared stories of the day. I told her about the fight that broke out at work. She told me about the creepy man from the mall and I couldn't help but feel angry at the stranger for catcalling her. I'm ashamed to say I was also angry that she told me. I hated knowing how many men looked at her that way. I shared about the gross coworker who'd made me feel uncomfortable by trying to bombard me with her nudes while I was on break, leading to my saying I had a girlfriend, even though I no longer did.
We got into it though. A fight as usual. This time it led to talks of better communication strategies and consideration for one another's feelings without our own getting in the way.
Finally I told her I was scared because the time had come for me to travel to Chattanooga, a Natalie place, without her to meet and work with a new group of artists. I didn't feel like I could possibly bring everything I had. Not until Nat helped me see why they'd been waiting since January to work with me. For one of the very few times in our relationship, I got the full effect of Natalie's passion for me and the work I do. She talked about new beginnings and being open to change. "There she is" I had said. This was the woman I fell in love with. Nat told me I just needed to go take on the big boys of Chattanooga while she took on the little boys of Brentwood. Natalie has funny ways of wording things like that. Finally I felt like we'd come back to our relationship of cheering each other on while we each did the things we had to do. Natalie was nannying for the summer to save up money for grad school. Even when it seemed like she wasn't doing something that  helped her work towards her goals, she was. She was amazing like that, at least to me.
That night she calmed me down from the jitters of anxiety and crippling depression I felt engulfed in. I started the evening pacing my yard crying on the phone, but somehow with Natalie on the line, I was laying in bed, listening to to dull roar of my fan and closing my eyes, knowing sleep was finally going to come.