The last time

16: Her

I couldn't help it. No matter what words he said, the same ones played over and over in the back of my head. He could leave. He could leave at any moment. For any reason. He had before. He would again.
When I tried to explain this fear to Danny I don't think he truly understood. He'd never know what it would feel like to know for a fact that the person you loved who said they loved you too had every ability to walk out of your life.
Danny had asked if I could let it go. If I'd ever stop thinking about it. I thought that someday I probably would. With enough time and a stronger foundation built beneath us, I would feel the way I had before. Safe again with the boy is considered my home for so long.
But we weren't building a foundation on the phone on June 6th, we were tearing at each other's. We fought and fought in circles about a million things and instances that had come and gone. We brought up every bad moment. Argued about it. And put it to rest only to wake another. By the sixth hour of the phone call that had started so simple neither of us felt much of anything anymore. We were going through the motions. Finally Danny told me nothing helped. He wasn't happy when he was with me in a relationship so he'd broken up with me. He wasn't happy without me so we'd decided to try again. What hurt the most was when he said "talking to you doesn't help me feel better. Seeing you doesn't help either."
He said he hadn't meant it afterwards but I felt it all the same. The sting of me being useless to the person I loved.
Like I said, he may never really know what it feels like to be dispensable to the person you love more than anything else. This was the man I'd chosen. The man is talked about wedding plans with. This was the man I saw in every future my brain conjured up, but I would always know that on his head, there were futures without me. Ones that he thought might just be better than those with me in them.