The last time

20: Her

June 19th was the beginning of the most confusing time of my life. That was the day I woke up over and over again tossing and turning, sick to my stomach. I hadn't puked, but I felt so—off. I didn't know what that meant, but it was enough to send me tumbling down the rabbit hole of possibilities. Something I hadn't told anyone was that the week before I thought my period had come earlier than usual. On Sunday, right when I woke up. After putting in a tampon that I forgot about until later on, I realized that nothing had accumulated. Same thing the next day, I was only spotting and that had never happened to me before. The day after that, it was completely gone. Just spotting. No real bleeding. I had attributed it to the stress and lack of sleep but on June 19th with my unusual nausea in mind,  I began an internet search that I knew would lead me to one conclusion. Fatigue, headaches, back aches, cramps with no period, and the spotting. They were all signs of one thing. Pregnancy. I had known this was a possibility before this day, but I also never thought it would be me. I took birth control. Sure I took a pill or two late here and there and was never able to keep up one of those exact schedules but I'd always been fine before. There was no way it could happen now of all times. Now when I'd have to do it alone.
Then again. The baby would be half Danny. It might have his nose or his voice, his hair or his eyes. Would it be worth it to be able to see those little pieces of him all mixed up with parts of me. I would wake up every morning to screaming, but I'd see Danny in the small child sleeping somewhere close by my bed. Maybe I could do this without him knowing. He'd be staying in my life in a new scary way, but it would only be parts of him. Maybe I could handle this. I couldn't tell him. He'd just think he had to change his mind about us. He'd eventually feel trapped. He'd resent me more than he already does. I'd have to find a way to keep it hidden. In the 21st century that probably wouldn't even be possible. Maybe he'd find out and he'd stay away anyway. Wouldn't want anything to do with the small pieces of him because they'd be mixed in with pieces of me. I don't know what I was thinking. I couldn't just not tell him, but I didn't have to tell him until I knew for sure. There was no point in bothering him with the possibility of a baby. There was no point in thinking about this right now in general. It would be four more days before I'd be able to take a test that could detect the hormones that could confirm or deny my suspicions.
I made the mistake of calling someone I'd once depended on every time one of my relationships took a turn for the worse. I called Danny's little sister, Addy, and told her everything from the fear, to doing it alone, to the list of symptoms that I definitely seemed to be experiencing. I figured out when I'd been ovulating and matched the dates up to find that it had been while I was staying at his house, a time I knew I'd forgotten my birth control pills at home. It all added up to a baby. She seemed scared but was sweet as always. She told me not to worry until I took a test. Told me it was probably just stress. Told me her younger sister had had the same fears but everything had turned out okay. She'd made me feel better. Once we hung up though, I couldn't stop thinking about Danny. I remember him telling me once that if I ever took a pregnancy test he would want to know. I felt guilty for not telling him even in the situation we were in. It felt wrong to keep to myself. Maybe that's why I told Addy. It was the closest I felt I could get to telling him. As it so happens, I wouldn't have to tell him after all.