The last time

15: Him

I felt so at home sitting on the phone with Natalie the night that we'd gone to her neighborhood pool together. It had been one of our first "dates" after our new agreement at the park to start seeing each other again but more casually this time around. I won't say that we both felt completely normal that day, but it was a good day. It was June 4th and we spent a lot of our evening talking about our past. She'd asked me to tell her about the day I had finally asked her out, the first night we'd slept together, and that night on the phone, the summer after our freshman year of college came up. "You can tell me if it was just me. I just always had this weird feeling about you. Even back during that summer. You were just mine and I was just yours. Even though I had a girlfriend, I couldn't deny that."

"I felt it too." She told me she'd written about it. She'd written about us. This was strange to me, but I didn't press for more details. What mattered to me was that she couldn't deny the spark of something amazing she had felt whenever she looked at me that summer. She'd had a boyfriend too but for us that didn't matter. I know it should have, we both knew better, and I wish I had a better explanation. Even when technically other people held the rights to us, our hearts always knew where home was and our eyes couldn't be bothered to disagree.

I told her that when Rochelle finally told me how uncomfortable she was with me spending time with Nat that I couldn't even disagree and tell her there was nothing to worry about. "I couldn't look her in the eye and tell her it was nothing. It was always something." And it was. Natalie was my person. Is my person.
Finally, I broke down. "I hope you can forgive me for almost letting that go." She responded in one of those riddles I hated her using. But I got the message. I had hurt her and these things would take time. She was scared she'd never feel normal or safe again and I couldn't blame her. I'd given up and she felt every repercussion of my choice.