The last time

25: Her

Something new happens every day.
That could be the tag line for our relationship. No matter how sure I am at night that things are one way, they will undoubtedly be different in the morning. This has been proven time and time again. The night Danny told me he couldn't lose me and the day after when he was the one leaving. The night I knew I could stay strong and not bother him but was awoken by his name on my phone. The night I went to the concert with a couple friends and convinced myself he still loved me only to wake up to a one word response to my update about the possible life forming in my stomach. Everything changed all the time. It was no wonder why I thought Danny would change his mind again about me. Every single day I woke up and went to bed begging God for this day to be the day that he told me he wasn't leaving me behind. I should've known better. Danny has left a lot of people behind in the years I knew him. He was always looking for something better. Never satisfied. He'd changed his mind so many times before, I knew he'd change his mind again. He had to.
I spent most of my adult life thus far life feigning confidence in what I did. The one thing I was sure about in all of the mess of being twenty was Danny. I knew I never wanted anyone else. I knew I'd never need anyone else. When that boy tried to kiss me at bonnaroo, I knew for sure that I'd never let anyone else touch me. I wish it didn't take making a mistake to learn things. Why are people like that?
I read Danny's last entry. I'm surprised he mentioned the night we talked about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I guess he only mentioned what he thought of what I told him but still. I wonder if he knows that was the night I first thought I was falling in love with him. It was one of the first times we'd hung out one on one back in the summer of 2018, back when I was still dating Casey, although off and on and definitely not happily. Danny has invited me over to swim at the pool in his apartment complex and had carried me around the pool before realizing that he didn't think he could do that one hundred percent platonically. We went back to the apartment and had a couple beers, and talked to his roommate until he went to bed. Then it was just the two of us. He was holding the cap to one of his beer bottles and turning it over in his fingers to give himself something to focus on. He stopped drinking beer and offered me a cup of hot tea. I remember this throwing me off. For some reason, I couldn't imagine this boy from high school putting a kettle on and making tea for me, but that's exactly what he did. This was when he asked me about where I saw myself in the future. My eyes lit up as I went through all of the things I hoped to do someday. Working in a prison, helping the wrongfully convicted get off death row, maybe getting a law degree eventually and working as a public defender, spending a little time as a marriage counselor once I wanted things to calm down, eventually opening a little flower shop so when I'm old and have seen too much, I get to see people buy something beautiful for someone they love everyday. I could tell he liked what he heard and he laughed to himself before telling me how pretty that sounded as compared to his wanting to get famous singing and buy a yacht someday. I giggled too. He was right, we had very different ideas for our futures, but I wouldn't say what he wanted to do was selfish like he had. I knew he only really wanted to have a lot of money so he could give it to his family. He didn't really want a much of shiny things. Just the ability to make sure his little sisters would never be without a home again.