The last time

19: Him

The days after Natalie were a blur. I knew I'd done the only thing I could do. I had to let the woman I loved go. I had work with my father for the next few days. Long days. It was mind numbing and easy. Counting, moving things from place to place, serving people I'd never see again. She'd sent a message after having tried to call me. I'd declined it and watched her smiling face fade from the screen of my cell phone. She'd asked for a song I once played for her. One of the ones where I sang about her. Curiously it had been one from before we were together, back when I'd accepted that I'd never have her, never get to call her mine. Back before things got so messy. I sent it with nothing else in the message and she accepted it with no response.
The next day she sent another message. She asked me to mail the Polaroids I had from our relationship to her. Said she'd rather have them than know I'd throw them away. I didn't answer this. How could she think I'd throw her away. I knew she didn't understand. I knew she was hurt. I also knew she'd had someone else's mouth on hers. The one fear I had about her going to that festival had been realized.
This is what led me to do exactly what she thought I would. I went to my room and collected each picture. Us in her dorm together coated in a haze of pink light. The two of us looking at each other on New Years. Her smiling that massive smile she pulled out only for me in her dorm on our last night there together. I collected each one and stacked them together in my hands. It felt like I was holding our most precious memories in my hands and I finally felt in control. I walked them to my kitchen, opened the trash can that was supposed to be battery operated but hadn't been in a long long time, and I dropped them in. Dropped her in. Finally I was able to take her out of my life on my terms.
June 19th was the first day I heard nothing from her. It was a peaceful day. My first day back to feeling like me again.