*book 1* The Nightmare They Call Life

Chapter 22

I stopped seeing Rachel; my therapist. I told her I found someone else and she seemed to believe my lie. I hate lying to everyone. I hate that I have to lie just to protect people. I hate that I've become a lier. Soon all of this going to come back on to me and I'll be 'dead again'. I use the term 'dead again' because it's like I never existed. Everybody just walks past you in the hallway like you're not even there. It's that empty feeling you get when you're all alone and you're just wishing you had someone there for you to listen when you are quiet, crying the loudest. Wishing you had a shoulder to cry on when you are down, but no. I insist on letting people see a fake side of me. A smiling/happy version of me when all I want to do is cry, have a mental break down so that people can see the real me. I want people to look at me and like me. I want to be liked by everyone. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not see the horrible person I've become. I want people to see my scars. I want people to know how fucked up I am. I want people to understand what I'm going through. I want to be able to tell people how I am truly feeling.

There is also a side of me that doesn't want people to know the real me, doesn't want everyone asking questions, doesn't want to be sent into a mental institution. It's a constant battle in my head. Some days I want to yell at the voices in my head to stop bickering. Some days I can't even go to school because it's so bad. Some days I want to yell in the middle of my teacher teaching and yell at myself but I can't because people would ask questions. I would be 'tagged' as a 'emo' or a 'cutter' because I would tell at myself until I let all my anger out. I would yell and yell and yell until I finally shut down.

I got cut off of my daze by Ryan. He was talking this whole time and I was wondering off into my own little 'island' as you would call it.

"We're you even listening to me?"

"I'm sorry. I kind of wondered off."

"It's ok. I was just saying that I had to work late tonight so I'll bring home supper tonight."

"Oh ok, well, thanks."

"You're welcome."

The rest of the car ride to school was silent. Once we were parked I had my hand on the handle, I was about to open the door when he locked it.

"Ryan? Why did you lock me in here?"

"Look. I need to talk to you."

"Um ok."

"Look you seem to be distracted lately."

"Yeah? So?"

"I'm just worried."

"I'm fine."

"I can tell you aren't. Earlier when you zoned out you looked like you were about ready to cry."

"I was just thinking."

"About?"

"How I want to be honest with people. I hate lying to them."

"It's going to be ok Skylar."

"No it's not. I seriously am not ok, and when someone asks' if I am I just want to scream no, because I'm not."

"Do you want to tell Luke, so you're not lying to him."

"Yes, I just don't know how to."

"We'll invite him over this weekend and you can tell him. Just like how you told Maia."

"Ok. Let's go in there with our heads up and show people how strong you are and let's have a good day. Then we can come home and plan for the weekend." He said.

"Ok." He gave me confidence. I feel ready to face the day.

I walked right in there with my head up and I was ready to face whatever was there.