Adventures of The Sad, Broken, and Happy (Hobbit Fan Fiction)

Chapter 8 Sexist Pig Holes

Allie

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"Hello welcome to our home! I am Allison and I am at your service," I greet warmly and now to the leader. "I saved you some soup and bread so you won't starve. Follow me int-oh wow! You are so maj-." Grace luckily slaps her hand over my mouth before I can say anything too embarrassing, but the wow was still heard sadly. Their leader is...well hot dam! He has long ebony hair with a few grey stress streaks, blue pools of water for eyes, a black stubble for a beard, obvious muscles under his clothes, he is taller than the other dwarves, he has metal beads in his hair, and this dominating air about him. This man is definitely a king.

I swear when our eyes met he froze to and maybe gasped, but he didn't freeze for long and he probably didn't freeze at all. I'm most likely just seeing things.

"Thorin at your service," the man greets in a deep voice, bows, and steps in beside me. I freeze and tingles go up my spine when his arm brushes mine. I feel a pull to him, I must be stay at his side. The passing adoring thoughts blink away quickly and I recoil away, I can never trust in this manner again.

"Emily at your service," Emily returns and bows. Grace and Alex give nods of recognition and Bilbo just stands still, mouth gaped.

"Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice," Thorin murmurs hanging up his jacket. "I wouldn't have found it at all, had it not been for that mark on the door."

"Mark? There's no mark on that door, it was painted a week ago!" Bilbo exclaims. "Allie you didn't paint the door pink again did you?"

"Psshshs no I didn't. Or maybe I did I'm a bit drunk right now," I giggle and the dwarf side eyes me curiously.

"Well then Emily did you do it with her?" Bilbo asks.

"Nope we did not," Emily denies.

"There is a mark, I've put it there myself," Gandalf interjects. "Bilbo Baggins, Emily, Allie, Alex, and Grace allow me to introduce the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield." So his full name is Thorin Oakenshield, that's just so intriguing!

"So, this is the hobbit. Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?" Thorin completely ignores the presence of Emily, Grace, Alex and I.

"Bilbo?! I've done more fighting than him!" I laugh.

"Me too," Emily joins in. Alex and Grace raise an eyebrow, they don't need to brag on their fighting.

"Pardon me?" Bilbo stammers.

"Axe or sword, what's your weapon of choice?" Thorin continues after glancing our way.

"Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know, but I fail to see why that's relevant," Bilbo huffs, crossing his arms.

"I thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar," Thorin teases and all the dwarves laugh.

"Do no speak to him like that!" I snap, stepping right in front of this Thorin.

"Who are you?" Thorin asks and I can tell he's lying about not knowing my name, but I get angry anyway.

"I let you in! I'm Allie and I do have skill with fighting so does she," I hiss and point at Emily. "And then-well you don't even known the half of it!" I exclaim, stomping my feet.

"Oh I apologize," Thorin mutters in a time that's far from genuine. He seems sad for a moment, but brushes it off and then me. He pushes past us into the dining room and I'm left fuming.

"Patience Allie if you want to join this adventure you need to win his favor," Grace scolds.

"I'll kill him," I growl.

"Me too," Alex and Emily agree.

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Grace grumbles holding her head.

"Oh please," I utter, hitting her shoulder and walking into the crowded dining room.

"What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?" Balin asks. I assume Thorin came from a meeting with some other dwarves.

"Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms," Thorin replies, eating his soup with much more grace than the other dwarves.

"And what did the dwarves of the Iron Hill say? Is Dain with us?" Dwalin presses.

"They will not come," Thorin sighs and all the other dwarves are visibly upset. "They say this quest is ours, and ours alone."

"You're doing a quest?" Bilbo queries and I face palm this whole thing is about a quest.

"Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light," Gandalf suggests. Bilbo nods and he leaves the room to find a candle as Gandalf pulls out a map and opens it on the table.

"Thats a cool map," I marvel.

"Agreed," Emily murmurs.

"Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak," Gandalf explains pointing to the solitary peak. There is a cool dragon picture around the top of the peak.

"That's a cool dragon," I whisper.

"The Lonely Mountain," Emily reads over Thorins shoulder.

"Aye, Oin has read the portents, and the portents say: it is time," Gloin pitches in.

"Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold. When the birds of the old return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end," Oin explains.

"Uh...what beast?" Bilbo, Emily, and I question nervously.

"Well that would be a reference to Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age," Bofur replies matter-of-factly. Bilbo pales and Emily perks up at the mention. "Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals," Bofur elaborates in terrible detail. 

"We know what a dragon is," I counter.

"Yes, I know what a dragon is," Bilbo squeaks. Ori suddenly leaps to his feet.

"I'm not afraid, I'm up for it. I'll give him a taste of the dwarfish iron right up his jacksy!" Ori shouts and everyone but his older brother cheers him on.

"Sit down!" Dori hisses and yanks Ori down.

"The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest," Balin sighs, throwing a loom at Ori.

"Hey! Who are you calling dim?" Ori snaps and I laugh out loud. Most of them are dim. This causes them to all start talking and arguing. Fili opens his mouth then closes it again, he clearly wants to speak.

"SHUT IT," Emily shouts and everyone quiets.

"We may be few in number. But we're fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf!" Fili cheers.

"And elf," I hear Grace mumble under her breath.

"And hobbit," I add pointedly.

"And you forget we have a wizard in our company, Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time," Kili exclaims. All eyes turn to Gandalf who is choking on his pipe.

"Oh, well. No, uh, I...I wouldn't say..." Gandalf stammers.

"How many then?" Alex poses cheekily. She knows Gandalf hasn't killed any dragons.

"What?" Gandalf coughs, acting oblivious.

"Well, how many dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number!" Emily  encourages with a smirk. The dwarves start speaking all together again, getting angrier.

"Uh...Please. Please," I try to quiet then without shouting. I don't know why that would ever work.

"Enough!" Thorin and Grace stand up and yell. They glance at each other for a moment and Grace carries her signature smirk. I roll my eyes at them, they are definitely going to clash heads.