The Words I couldn't Say

Empty

In writing this
Remembering all the things I've admitted to in my notes

I realize
I've been watching my mind
Destroy it's self

It's a beautiful chaos
How I've managed to pull it off
I've been watching me
Poison my very being

It's quite fascinating
How my minds become so corrupt
It's terrifying

What's the point anymore?
Can someone tell me?
I've been trying to figure it out
For years
It still hasn't come to me

This smiling depression is getting old

Not being able to cut is getting old

Scratching and picking at my skin
Putting everyone before myself
Is getting old

I'm just so tired
School can distract me
And I can be a robot

I can solve the problems
I can sit for hours on end
But I can only bend so much
Until I break

The people
The drama
I'm already so done

Can someone just ask to hang out for once?
Can I be the first choice to go out
And not just an option?

Am I just a safety net?
For anyone to fall back on?
If I'm a net...
Then no ones there to catch me

"No matter how much you tear and rip
You're the only one that'll care. So you can't say no, you can't take a break, you can never stop to think."

That's what I think

I was doing alright
At least that's what I thought
But little did I know
Everything was not what I thought

I never was happy with who I was
Never really fine with how life was
Heck every time I said something didn't hurt HELL YEAH IT DOES!

I trick myself
I make my own piece of art
I use black, blue, and red
I call it "insanity"

For my mind
Is too complex for even I
To understand completely

That I was spiraling down
Into a never ending pit
And lord knows it

I wish I could go back in time and have a conversation with little me
And tell her just how things are really

"What do you think about life?"

"It's great! I just don't like the pain that comes with it,"

"Too bad darling, that's what we call living. You're going to have to suck it up
and deal with it, cause no ones wants to hear your whining."