You Changed My Life

78. Walking Away

Song for this chapter:

Even My Dad Does Sometimes- Ed Sheeran
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Noelani's Pov

Thoughts flood my head. I should've just stayed in England... Yes life was shit there but at least I could of moved away from my hometown. I could of moved to a different city, away from the bullies and my family.

I have no actual friends here in America, they are all just youtubers that I have met because of Tyler and Connor. I am grateful that I thought I had them but now I feel abandoned, lost...

To be honest I would of preferred to get my daily beatings from the bullies, getting hurt by my parents. I would of preferred that then getting my heart ripped out and beaten to a pulp by the person I love deeply.

At least if they all give me scars they wouldn't of been words that would circle my head forever. At least I wouldn't have to be out here on my own... Not knowing where I was at all. I could be gone from this world like he wants me to be.

In England I knew a few places... Like my favourite areas to escape to. Here in America, my escape was with the boys and being in their arms. Or watching films with them on the couch wrapped up in blankets and munching on food...

But I have lost that know. That slipped away from me quicker than I could imagine. And now. I am how I started of, alone, scared and in the dark.

I keep on walking onwards, I have no idea where I am but I have been walking for over thirty minutes and there is not light around me. Just darkness and the sound of night time animals lurking around me. It's just me and the unknown.

A bunch of what ifs fill my head. They are all stupid though. I don't know why I'm doing this. He's told me how he feel and what he wants but I can't stop thinking of different what ifs...

What if Connor was just badly intoxicated with alcohol and then in the morning he would realise what he had done and said to me. But people always say that a drunk mind speaks the truth... So I don't know what to believe.

I think Connor wants me gone for good and out of his life as well as the others. He regrets helping me those months ago and he regrets allowing me to stay with him and Tyler. He regrets getting to know me.

But I guess I live to the expectations that, that man has labelled me as. Unwanted and a slut. I guess The Waiter knows me better than I know myself. Seem as the words cut into my stomach describe the situation and position I am in right now.

I run to boys when shit goes bad, There are girls here too like Zoe, Tanya, Naomi... but I chosen to go to the boys. Why? I have no idea.

It might just be the fact that I've never gotten on well with girls because they were the ones that would beat the shit out of me with only a bit of help from three boys. I don't know why I trusted anyone in the first place.

I guess it was just the fact that they were my idols and they seemed to have cared about me so I liked it. But I guess it was all just a big movie and I was one of the main stars in it.

I just hope that the people I have walked away from, their lives become better again, because I know ever since I stepped in it has become shit for them all.

The girls never really speak to me anyway so me going forever won't affect them. But the boys, the English won't have someone to prank or to be pranked by.

O2L boys won't have me to hang out with but they'll be okay because they have each other. Tyler will be okay because he has all of them, he has Troye and Connor.

Troye will be okay because he's the same as Tyler. But I can't help but feel bad because he was my best friend and done a lot for me... And now I'm walking away without saying good bye or hugging him, telling him he'll be okay. I am going to miss him because it felt like we actually had some sort of friendship. My heart breaks a little that I can't see him ever again.