Pain || jilix

1

Pain.

That was the only thing Jisung felt at that moment. The blade clutched tightly in his clammy, white hands. Tears were falling uncontrollably down his sunken cheeks. He hadn't eaten for days, he barely drank. Why did he do that?

It was because of his members.

They hated him.

Everytime they saw him, they would always grimace in disgust. It was slight teasings at first, but over time, they forgot he had a heart. They would always insult him, not caring about his feelings. They forgot he was human. In their eyes, he was fat, useless, a waste of space. The members didn't even bother hiding their disgust from him. 

On his birthday, Jisung had to clean the dorm, make food for the members, all by himself.  No one said 'Happy birthday' to him, no one helped him do the chores. They were all in front of the television, watching multiple movies together. When Jisung sat down on the floor to join them, they were choruses of groans coming from each and every member. Feeling his cheeks burning up, Jisung decided to just drag himself back to his and Jeongin's shared bedroom. Before he went in, however, he heard some people saying, "What was he thinking, coming over here?" "Honestly, I don't even want to see his ugly face." "I still have to deal with him later, ugh" Jisung tried desperately to stop the tears from trickling down.

The next day, it was Felix's birthday. There were a huge pile of presents placed on the table just for him, and they even planned a whole day full of activities just for him. They all went to an amusement park, then ate outside for dinner. During the rides, Jisung sat by himself, even if he was scared, because he was scared of the members bullying him about it. He recalled the times when Minho used to hug him during rollercoaster rides, or when Changbin held his hand as they waited in line for a haunted house, or even when Chan comforted him when they were high up in the sky. What happened to those times? During dinner, Jisung only drank a glass of water. Of course, no one noticed. They never cared about him. But he just kept smiling, because it was Felix's birthday. He didn't want Felix to feel upset because of him. No matter how much Felix ignored him now.........

.........they still used to be best friends during their predebut days.

Jisung thought no one cared. No one would bat an eyelash if he ended his own life. Jisung always wondered how it would feel to cut his wrists, seeing the blood flow out of his veins slowly, before falling into a deep sleep, never waking up again.

Would it be peaceful? Would he have a next life? Jisung didn't know, and he was to scared to find out. He knew if he ever managed to kill himself, it would mean that he was cowardly, that he couldn't face any obstacles in life. But honestly, Jisung had had enough of his misery. It had been like this for the past year. He tried starving himself, his ribs were showing, but he still thought he wasn't skinny enough. He worked out so much that his muscles ached so much he could barely walk when he was done, but he still thought he wasn't fit enough. He practiced choreographies so much they were already etched into his mind, but he still thought he couldn't remember all the steps correctly. He trained his vocals and rap so much, his throat hurt, and his voice sounded no different from the official CD version, but he still thought it wasn't good enough.

He never thought he was good enough. Then why didn't he just end his life, if he was so unsatisfied with everything he had?

Well, he still had one thing he thought was worth fighting for.

Lee Felix.

Even though Felix had Changbin, he couldn't help but crave for his cuddles, their late night talks, his presence in general. There was a point in time, when they were best friends, where they loved each other. Then everything changed when Stray Kids debuted. He didn't know why, but the members just started to despise him. Even Felix didn't care about him anymore.

At least, that's what Jisung thought.

Felix knew everything. He knew Jisung's pain, his feelings. He just didn't have enough courage to help Jisung get better. He was probably the only Stray Kids member that still cared.

Written on: 14/9/19

Word count: 746