Pain || jilix

13

Minho sat on his bed, staring into space. A million thoughts were swirling around in his head, as he tried to process everything that had happened in the past day. He really did it, didn't he? He let his desire take over him, and now...he knew he totally messed up. His best friend, the first member Jisung trusted aside from Felix, hated him now. Jisung had Felix, for heaven's sake! He knew what he did was wrong, and there was nothing to justify his actions. What's done is done, he couldn't change the past.

But Minho couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. He wanted to turn back time, to tell his past self not to act rationally. It was impossible, he knew that, but he completely shattered Jisung's trust and him, and he could never get it back.

What he did was stupid. Completely, utterly, stupid. Why, why did he force Jisung to do things he didn't want to do? Why did he let his feelings take the better of him? The guilt that he felt was indescribable. He was one of the hyungs in Stray Kids, he was supposed to protect the younger ones, make them feel safe, but Jisung obviously would never feel safe around him anymore.

He now knew how the other boy felt. The overwhelming feeling of cutting, of ending everything. Those voices that lingered in your head forever, mocking you. It was driving him to the brink of insanity. "Please, make it stop," He begged, but deep down, he knew he deserved that. He deserved all the pain he was going through now.

For it was what Jisung had gone through, and if Jisung could endure it, he had to too.

-

Changbin was about to pull his hair out of his head. He had been walking in circles around the nearby park, trying to make sense of everything that he had done. It was wrong, he understood that, but it just felt so good, having control over the younger like that. He was insane, mentally unstable probably. Why else would he be fine with seeing Jisung in pain and fear?

The only thing was, he wasn't fine with it. It felt like a dagger sliced itself deeper into his heart every time he thought back to the younger's pitiful shouts, his begs for mercy. Would he ever be the same around him ever again, knowing his hyung was the very person who scarred him for life? Who stole his first? Changbin didn't know, but he knew the answer would definitely be no.

His actions could never be forgiven, ever. He would be dumb if he thought there was even a slight chance that Jisung would see him as the same trustful hyung again. It was all impossible, Changbin totally destroyed his chances with Jisung, he knew that. It hurt his heart to know that the boy would be terrified of him from now on. 

It was all fun and games when they were doing "it". Changbin had to admit, he did enjoy it. But it just wasn't right. He didn't deserve Jisung. Jisung deserved way better. He messed everything up.

-

Hyunjin sighed as he walked along the streets of Seoul. He wore all black, with his hood and mask on. He was paler than usual, his fingers trembling from the cold air around him. There was barely anyone around, for everyone was probably already at work or school. He sighed as he stared up at the sky, regretting everything. What in him decided that forcing himself onto Jisung would be a good idea? Hell, the boy probably hadn't even had his first yet. He mentally facepalmed at his stupidity. He definitely ruined the younger's innocence.

He knew the three of them just wanted to prove they were better than Felix, and wanted Jisung to at least choose between them. Now that he thought about it, it was stupid, really. They never had a chance against Felix anyways. That boy was the only person in Jisung's eyes.

They wanted to feel how it would be like to be with Jisung, to do..things..with him. That was already so, so wrong. Who even does that? It was like just using him for his body. It was disgusting. They loved Jisung, but they all showed it in the wrong way. They shouldn't have done it, he knew that. He prayed for Jisung to forgive them, but he knew it would never happen. 

Jisung was already fragile, and they totally shattered him.

Would he ever be the same again?

Would any of them be the same, knowing what they had done?

Hyunjin knew it couldn't just end simply like fairytales. It was just a matter of time before the  members found out and things got...messy.

-

The three boys breathed out a last sigh sadly in chorus, their hearts sinking alarmingly. They wanted to fix everything, make up for everything. Love had blinded them, making them unaware of their actions. Those few moments of pleasure weren't worth it at all. They ruined their friendship with their crush, and that could never be replaced. Ever.

Oh, how much they regretted doing it. They hoped Jisung wouldn't go back to his old ways because of this.

Little did they know, everything had just gotten way worse. Worse than they had ever imagined.

Y'all can read Chapter 11 again, cos I asked my friend to help me rewrite the rape scene and she actually describes it way better than I do lol. 

Written on: 21/10/19

Word count: 909