Pain || jilix

14

"Felix, everything hurts. The voices, they won't stop."

"I know, Ji, I know. I hear them too.."

"How much longer do we have to act like we're fine? How much longer do we have to pretend that there's nothing wrong with us?"

"Not for long, Ji.."

"Lix, can't we just give up? Say goodbye to everyone?"

"Soon, babe. We'll be gone soon enough.."

-

As the days passed by, the two boys found it harder to continue pretending. They were tired all the time, and even though they tried to put a smile on their faces when they saw Stay, it sometimes didn't work out. They started being anxious around cameras, around crowds. Their performances weren't that good, either. Usually, they were the most charismatic on stage. Now, their movements were more sloppy, and they didn't put in their all. 

They had comebacks continuously, their schedules were always packed now. Jisung still had to make music with 3RACHA, it drained most of his energy. Felix had to make new choreo with Minho and Hyunjin, he already had problems on his mind, and being in the same room as his boyfriend's rapers didn't help one bit. Jisung couldn't concentrate during their 3RACHA sessions because he was too busy focusing on Changbin's actions. What if he hurt him again? Sometimes, he would even get panic attacks when Changbin was too near.

Chan knew there was something wrong with Jisung and Felix. They weren't their usual, memey selves anymore. They hid it well, but he saw the sadness flicker across their eyes from time to time. He talked with them for hours whenever he was free, wanting them to know that there was someone that cared. They appreciated the thought, of course, but they were already too deep in their depression to get any better.

Woojin, being the caring mum he is, knew there was something fishy going on too. Whenever Chan wasn't free, it would be his duty to make them happy, bringing them out to eat and spending time with them. Sometimes, his actions would actually put a true smile on their faces.

Minho, Changbin and Hyunjin couldn't do anything, even if they wanted to. Jisung and Felix hated them, it was obvious in their actions. They apologised to them multiple times, bought them gifts, gave them sincere letters. And even though Jisung said he forgave them, the finches he gave off when one of them were near said otherwise. Their actions were unforgivable, and they would never be able to make Jisung happy like they always wanted to. They wanted to be the best boyfriends for the youngest boy, but that would never happen now.

Jeongin was scared of Jisung. He was hurt from his hyung's actions last time. Jeongin was fragile and sensitive, so the fact that Jisung 'rejected' him made him more upset then necessary. Was he being too dramatic? Probably. But Chan already made Jisung apologise to him, and they were fine now, right? Well, they would be, if it wasn't for the fact that Jisung never let him anywhere near him. It was saddening to see his hyung distance himself for the others as much as he was doing now. But what could he do? He was just the useless maknae anyways...

Seungmin wanted to cheer Felix up desperately. He would play video games with him til the wee hours of morning, go shopping with him on their free days, he wanted to do anything to see that familiar smile on the australian's face again. It would work sometimes, but most of the times Felix would give him a fake smile. He felt useless, couldn't he make his best friend happy? Couldn't he accomplish such a small task? Felix appreciated his efforts, but nowadays, smiling took up too much of his energy.

-

The two boys lay on the beach, staring at the ocean. The blue water, the shifting mist. They stared at the stars intently, like how they did when they first got close. It had been so long since that had taken place. Time flies, doesn't it? This was the only time the voices kept quiet, leaving them in peace. A sigh escaped Jisung's lips.

"When I was young, I would always come here with my mum. We would build sandcastles together, buy ice cream, and then gaze at the stars like this. Those were the only times we could actually be free, without being scared of my dad. She left this world, too soon. I love the ocean, my attention just naturally gets drawn to it."

A faint smile was seen on Felix's lips as he looked over to his boyfriend. The moonlight reflected perfectly off the other's clear skin, making him look ethereal. He looked like an absolute angel, his angel.

"I used to come here with my brother, James, a lot too. We loved swimming in the water, looking at the different fishes below. It was really fun then, I miss him so much. We had so many good memories together, I wish it had never ended. It'll never be the same without him. What would he say if he was alive now? Would he be happy if he found out I was an idol now?"

"Let's find out, then," Jisung muttered. Felix waited, mouth agape, for him to say he was joking. But Jisung didn't. He kept a straight face, totally serious. Felix thought about it again. The thought of dying didn't scare him anymore. It just seemed like a part of life now. Jisung wasn't as terrified of death as he used to be too.

Silent tears slipped down their faces. They were alone. Forever alone, in this dark world. There was never a light at the end of the tunnel. They were all lies. Having each other wasn't enough anymore. Depression, raw depression, followed them everywhere. The voices wouldn't leave them alone. The pain they felt inside was unbearable, but they were completely numb to physical pain. What was wrong with them?

They had choices, of course, but were they logical? No. They weren't. Then again, what was? Science? Lies. 

They wanted to run away. Run away from the blue abyss that locked them away, and yet, they  can't. They couldn't stop the thoughts in their minds, the hateful words stabbing them continuously.

As they stared into each other's eyes, they knew exactly what the other was thinking. They knew exactly what the other wanted to do. Jisung and Felix both wanted the same thing. Peace. Freedom. Peace from the pounding noises in their heads, the fire in their hearts. Freedom from the world, the ability to do as they wished. 

It would be worth it, wouldn't it?

The two boys held hands as they rose to their feet. They walked slowly through the wet sand and towards the ocean. They wouldn't stop the other. They wouldn't stop each other from getting their greatest desire. Jisung stepped foot into the chilling waves. He hesitated briefly, before the feeling of Felix's lips on his made it all go away. This kiss wasn't like any other they had had before. It was softer, more gentle. They held onto each other, not wanting to let go. It was slow and romantic, like it would be their last. And technically, it was. When they finally pulled away, Felix stared deeply into Jisung's eyes, smiling softly. 

"It'll be all right, we'll see each other again. I love you Ji, so, so much," He whispered as he hugged the smaller boy tightly, caressing his hands. Jisung sniffled and buried his head in the crook of Felix's neck, mumbling audibly, "I love you too, Lix. I'll never leave you. Even death won't be able to separate us." They both chuckled as the breathed in the other's scent for the last time. If anyone thought that two silhouettes standing in the water hugging each other was suspicious, they didn't come running to stop them. No one stopped them.

They finally parted and continued walking.

Never letting go of each other's hands.

Water up to their knees.

Then up to their waist.

Then up to their chin.

Then submerging them completely.

Their lungs were completely on fire. They didn't struggle. They simply fell away, into the depths of the ocean.

Until the waves made them part.

I'M CRYING OMG

Written on: 21/10/19

Word count: 1365