Pain || jilix

3

Felix was like any other ordinary boy. He had two loving parents, delicious food every day, a countless number of friends and an endless supply of toys. Most importantly, he had an amazing brother.

Lee Young Hoon.

Also known as James.

He was the definition of perfect. James was smart, caring and generous. He loved Felix so much, and Felix loved him dearly as well. No one knew what was behind his charming smile, what horrors lay beneath. James was insecure. He continuously pushed himself to the limit, and if he didn't reach his goal, he would punish himself severely. Even if he met his target, he was not satisfied. He never would be. James kept trying, doing his best to impress his family. You see, there were also voices in his head, they told him he wasn't good enough, and that if it was too tiring for him, he had to think about other people who had it worse.

James played basketball. He was the school's best shooter, winning in almost every competition. His aim was amazingly accurate every single time. On top of that, he learned 5 languages -- English, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, and French. He shocking excelled in all of them. James was the school's top scorer for all his exams. He learned rapping as well,  and he also produced music late at night when his entire family was sleeping. Sometimes, Felix would curl up on James' bed in his room, listening to his brother's voice as he fell asleep. If could stay awake longer, James would teach him how to rap.  James would dance as well. He could learn a choreography flawlessly in a single day. Felix would be the loudest clapper whenever James would dance at a school talent show. They say siblings are meant to pick out each others flaws easily, but Felix never found a single flaw in James.

Nobody noticed how dead James' eyes were. Nobody noticed his fake laughs. Nobody noticed his empty smile. Nobody noticed him becoming more and more distant. 

Nobody noticed the scars littered all over James' body. 

Felix was the only one noticing the small, minor details in James' life. He tried telling his parents, but they just told him James was probably stressed. After all, what would a 10 year old know about anything?

10 year old Felix just came back home from school. His parents had an urgent meeting, so they told him to go back home himself, and to tell James about it when he got back. They couldn't contact James because his phone was spoiled. Felix was ecstatic. It was the first time in months he would have some special alone time with James! Wanting to surprise his older brother, Felix tiptoed over to James' room, then slammed the door open, shouting, "SURPRISE!"

He didn't expect James to just be lying down on the floor, motionless.

He didn't expect to see a pool of blood around his brother's body. 

He didn't expect to see a knife put deeply into his brother's chest.

Felix wailed. The tears wouldn't stop falling. He held James' body in his tiny fingers, running his fingers through James' soft hair. He cuddled into his brother's chest, not caring if blood stained his body. James was only 15, he couldn't be dead, could he? There were three letters beside James' body. One was labeled ' Father', one was labeled 'Mother', and the last one...Lixie. With shaking hands, Felix picked up the letter addressed to him.

Dear lixie, 

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you. I'm sorry I couldn't hold on any longer. By the time you read this, I'm probably gone forever. I just want to say, I love you, lix. You made my life more bearable. Your cute smile, your freckles, your voice, made me stay in this world longer. None of this is your fault. The voices in my head made me do this. I'll be watching over you, lix, make sure to pursue your dreams, no matter what others may say. Bye, mate!

From,

James~

That just made Felix cry harder. He held the letter in one hand, and James in the other. Even though he was ten, he knew. He knew James was long gone, that he would never come back. There was no use calling for help. He just wanted to spend time with James by himself, before the adults take his body away. That was how his parents saw Felix talking to James, 3 hours afterwards. That incident scarred Felix for life.

James was the reason why Felix decided to start learning Korean. James was the reason why Felix decided to audition at JYP. James was the reason why Felix continued practising even after he got eliminated.

He was a mere 10 year old that time, unable to do anything to help and save James from his depression. But maybe, just maybe...

He could save Jisung from his.

Written on: 17/9/19

Word count: 815