Beautifully Flawed

"Are you okay?"

So my shoulder is almost completely healed , it's been a few weeks since the whole get away from the tattooed men in black incident ,i still think there's more to all of this, Jake and I have become good friends, I've also been spending some time with Chloe ,Jeff and Mira are still trying to get back on their feet thanks to all the drama with their dad. To say the least everything has been completely.......'normal' to say the least. No drama. No stupid bitches trying to attack me. No more fights with Jake . No races lately . Dad has been extremely busy. No parties ,we've been having our mid term exams. Honestly i feel like I'm this close to pulling out my hair and running away to live on the side of some mountain.
There is something though. The Nightmares are back again. It's been really bad and I haven't even been getting sleep lately. Dad has been busy and i really don't want to worry him. Now that i think of it none of my friends know about my life and I'm suprised they haven't asked, maybe they don't want to pry. I've been awake and staring at the ceiling for the past ten minutes and i know that if I don't get moving I'll be late for school. But I just can't seem to get myself out of bed. Finally after a long mental debate, i drag myself out of bed and walk into the bathroom. I grab my toothpaste and toothbrush and that's when i spot it. My pills. 'antidepressants' to be specific. I havent used them in approximately two years and three months. Maybe thats why the Nightmares are back . It's funny. It's really funny that i know the solution to my problems, but refuse to grab it despite the fact that its literally within my reach.

"Come on Rhea ,you don't need them, youre strong and independent, you can fight the dreams ,you can survive ,you're not going to loose yourself again, you're not going to embrace the darkness " reciting it over and over again trying to make myself believe it and actually will it into reality ,i take a quick shower and dress up for school. It's definitely nothing fancy, just black shorts that stop mid thigh and an oversized grey sweater, I've been feeling cold lately. I grab a banana for breakfast ,but i end up chucking it into my bag . I also haven't had much of an appetite lately.
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Packing my bag ,i leave the class so grateful to have finally finished my mid term tests . Maybe now my life wouldn't be so boring.
"Rhea, hold up!" I turn around to see Ace and Shawn running after me.
"Uhh....hey is everything okay?"
"Yeah ,we just wanted to ask if you'd like to come over to my place to hang out.....you know, since we're finally done with the stupid tests ?"
"Uhh... yeah sure, when?"
"Will today be cool?,you could tell Mira and Jeff too, i wouldn't be able to talk at lunch because I've got football practice"
So Ace plays football? No wonder he's got such a nice body .
"Oh okay, good luck with practice, do you play too?" I ask Shawn
"Hell no!..I'm strictly for music and arts" he says with laughter. Although he's also got the body for football......
Okay what's wrong with me!? Why am i so obsessed with the Male body today?
"Okay then,so i guess that means you're headed for lunch?" So shawn and i start walking towards the cafeteria while Ace leaves for practice.
"Hey Rhea, I've missed you so much my love, where have you been?"
Jeff just will never change no matter how sad he is, he's actually a really nice guy and despite the fact that he'll be eighteen in a few months, he's still basically the child of the group.
"Jeff, i can't believe I'm saying this but I've really missed your company"
"See Mira,i told you she's in love with me"
"Not even in your wildest dreams " Mira says with a scoff.
"So Rhea, how's your shoulder?"
"It's almost completely healed Mira now stop worrying "
At that moment Jake joins the table looking grumpy.
"Hey"
"Hi" we all say simultaneously.
"Uhh...why are you sitting here ,i mean what's wrong with your seat at 'Michelle and the stupid goons table'" Mira says,which is pretty true.. he doesn't ever seat here, we only ever talk outside school.
"I'm really not in the mood so please shut up" he grinds out while glaring at Miranda.
"Hey don't talk to my sister that way" Jeff defends
"Look.....I'm sorry but right now I just don't want to talk"we all sigh and eat....there's little chatting here and there but no one really says a thing.
"Are you okay?" I to my right to see Jake staring at me with a scrutinizing gaze.
"Yeah,I'm great.. why ?" I mean why will he think I'm not okay ,im PERFECTLY fine....
"Well for one, you've been awfully quiet lately, you haven't touched your food, you look like you haven't slept in days and you've been staring off into space for five minutes.....is everything okay?"
I'm really suprised that he noticed all these things when my dad hasn't even noticed yet, but it's not like I can just say it,it's not so easy,plus I doubt he'd even understand.
"Yeah, I've just been really busy with the tests and all ,plus i ate this morning so I'm not really hungry" the lie basically just slips out, I'm not proud of my lying skills but they do come in handy when necessary.
"Oh okay, but just incase you need anything, i mean we're friends right?"
"Yeah, friends .we're friends" and like that the piercing shrill of the bell is heard and we all rush off to class.
It's been really hard to pay attention, i know it sounds stupid ,but it's sort of like i can feel myself drifting away again, like I'm slowly loosing touch with reality and i don't even know what to do to stop it . Yes you do. Well maybe i do, but that just makes things harder. I keep thinking about the dreams, bits of the nightmares keep flashing before my eyes. Her face, her words, everything is just flooding my mind and its overwhelming, my mind. It's all just suffocating my mind.
"Rhea, Rhea dear,Rhea.....are you okay?" I look up to see Mrs Carters concerned face....turns out i spaced out again."yeah,I'm good "
"So why are you crying?" My hand immediately flies up to my cheek and i wipe away the little tear drop that managed to escape.
"Uhh..I'm just not feeling okay"
"Oooh....did someone get their period?"i turn to see Lisa say with a smirk, giggles erupt from the class .I mean i actually thought they'd decided to just let me be ,with a sigh i turn around ,get up with my bag and leave. No excuses,No explanations, i just leave. With my backpack in hand i walk out of school, i walk and walk and walk till i don't even know where i am again.
I spot a bench at the side of the road and i take a seat. I seat for a while just.......thinking . Thinking about my mom ,i mean my biological mom. Also,thinking about my real mom, the one who actually took care of me,the one who always defended me ,loved me.....even till the very last. Thinking of my life and who i really am, and thinking of how to get rid of this deep sinking feeling i have in my chest, this utter sadness.
Well i guess its time to let you know my story.
Ever since i was born ,for as long as i can remember my biological mother always hated me. Apparently she wanted a boy and she got me....i never really understood why it mattered though. She was never happy with anything i did.....i remember always trying to please her,but it never worked. I learnt how to cook, joined basically every club there was at school, joined the ballet team, track team, orchestra, karate group and the list goes on and on .....but nothing ever made her happy . deep down i know she wasn't okay, she was abusive and violent ,hateful, full of anger and spite. So one day my dad went to work and she got really angry 'just because ' and she beat me, she beat me and beat me. Till I blacked out with a head injury, the neighbour , Mrs lucy heard me scream. So she called the police and ambulance. My mom was arrested , taken to a mental facility but later she was released and i never saw her again after that. To say i was depressed is definitely an understatement , i lost the only person i ever really wanted. My dad was so worried, he 'had' to resign from the force as a special agent. He sacrificed his job because he knew i couldn't bear to loose him after mom. We relocated and moved here. Two years after that and my dad fell in love ,he got married to an amazing woman....Kate. we were so close, inseparable to say the least. She loved me as a daughter and I loved her as a mother.she had a son though ,Matheo, he's a good brother too , but he's always busy with school and sometimes work . But It just didn't last, just like no good thing ever truly lasts. She was killed four years ago, the police suspected it was by an ex lover but there was never any proof . I was devastated, and coupled with my inferiority complex caused by my biological mom which drove me to learn new things and do all sorts, simply to be 'perfect' i also fell into depression. It was like my life suddenly fell upside down. When i started taking antidepressants, i developed severe mood swings ,sometimes sleepless nights,loss of appetite, anxiety, panic attacks ,and worst of all...i got addicted to it,i just couldnt stop abusing it....i basically relied on my pills to live . So one day i just stopped using them, the doctors said they were helping me and that those were just side effects ,but they were making my life hell. I stopped using them and focused on being happy and then i discovered adrenaline.....it was like a drug, it helped me forget all the bad moments and replaced them with the tingling feeling of euphoria. The things i did worried my dad , but he was happy as long as i was happy. The nightmares firstly started because i was the one who found my mom's dead body....but later on i started dreaming of susan ,my biological mom....i remembered all those hurtful things she did and said to me.....and they come back to hunt me in my dreams . I lost susan.i lost my childhood. I lost kate. I lost my old town. I lost myself. Basically i lost it all......and sometimes ,i feel like I'm only an empty shell of the real me.

So that's it. My sob story. My life.