Beautifully Flawed

"can I tell you something"

I wasn't stable until 4am.

It's currently a little bit after 4am and I'm breathing normally, I've stopped shaking and my mind is a little bit clear.

And even with all these improvements i still can't wrap my head around what happened. I was so stupid, so stupid to think that i wouldn't have an episode with my friends still living with me.

It's just that I've never had an episode with other people in my house, it's usually just Dad and Matheo, or Dray while he was around.
But now, Ace , Shawn,Jake, Mira and Jeff witnessed it first hand and i don't even know what to do.

You may think i should just tell them the truth, rip the band aid off fast right?
But it's not that easy....I don't know if I'm ready to take that step yet. I haven't spoken about Susan in years and i don't think i can now, She brings back way too many bad memories and i went through so much to be able to move past them .....at least to an extent.

Fuck! Why did they have to see me like this. What if they don't want to be my friends again.

I know It may seem like I'm being childish or exaggerating but .....throughout my life, i have only ever had one friend and that was, Dray........but when he left i just lost hope,i accepted the fact that i was'nt meant to have friends.

Don't be mistaken I am not trying to be pitiful neither am i blaming my peers and classmates for acting like i don't exist.......no, that was my own doing. I never tried, and that's the plain truth.
I never went to parties, played games with them, had sleep overs....nothing! I was too busy running around thinking of what next to do to make Susan love me.

And now that i finally have friends, friends that care....or cared about me; I'm going to loose them.

They are bound to leave, i know it, the look on Mira's face when she saw me was all the confirmation i needed.

My thoughts keep blazing on when i feel someone nudge me. I turn to my left to see Shawn smiling down at me.

" hey, how are you feeling now" he asks with a sad smile as he sits down next to me.

"Horrible" i croak out, my voice still very hoarse from all the screaming i did.
He puts his arm over my shoulder and pulls me on his lap. Even in my state i find this shocking because Shawn hasn't been so bold with me. He's the kind of person to show affection from a distance, but now he's here  holding me in his arms.

I look up to see him already watching me with a small smile on his face.
"Here take this,it will soothe your throat and calm your nerves" he says softly while offering me a mug of what smelled like camomile tea.

"T-thanks" i say, taking the warm mug from him.

"Can i tell you something?" He asks quietly. Caught off guard by his question ,i look at him wondering what he would want to tell me in a situation like this. All i see on his face is struggle, almost like he is struggling to decide if he actually wants to tell me.

"Y-you can tell anything.......if you want to" i reply ,just to let him know that he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to just to make me feel better.
He nods his head and leans further away from me to be able to pull up his shirt.
Confused, i just stare at him With a questioning stare and that's when he starts speaking quietly.

"On my tenth birthday.....my mum decided to take me to the amusement park, she was a single mom you know. I guess she just really wanted me to be happy, she never wanted me to feel like i was missing out on anything just because i didn't have a dad. So she took me to the amusement park and i remember having so much fun i didn't want to leave......" he says like he was reliving that day again.

" i just wanted it to be my mum and i having fun. So i told her i didn't want to leave just yet. like i had predicted, she agreed until it was really late and we were asked to leave . O-on our way back home, i fell asleep. Awhile later i woke up to a loud crash ,only to pass out again due to the pain i was going through......although i was losing consciousness fast i could still here and recognise my mum's voice,s-screaming out to me to hold on , crying for help ....and apologising. I woke up two days later severely injured, apparently a huge shard of glass was lodged in me, i survived and so did my mum. After we were discharged , we went home with a friend of my mum volunteering to stay with us for a while until we were fully recovered. And....that's when my mum's nightmares started." At his statement my breath gets caught in my throat......nightmares?

" they were so terrible, i would wake up every night to the sound of my mum's pained screams , reliving that horrible night,sometimes her mind would conjure even worse scenarios. It only makes sense that i was the only one who could ever calm her, i'd get on her bed, give her the biggest hug i could muster at the moment and keep telling her that i was with her and that i was fine, shed wake up a sobbing mess and we'd be each others comfort. Soon she started seeing a therapist, she got better ...but she still has the nightmares once in awhile." He takes a pause to look me in the eyes.

" and that Rhea, is why i know exactly  what you're going through.... i need you to know that you're not alone in this ,I'm Not going to ask you what happened.....not yet at least. But know you have me." He says firmly.

" camomile tea helps sooth your nerves after a bad nightmare like the one you just had, also you can sleep with your headphones in , just play a soft tune or music ...it keeps your mind and senses busy , just so it doesn't have time to conjure thoughts against you" he says once again and I'm absolutely overwhelmed . So overwhelmed that i just sit there smiling at him. I take a small sip of the tea and that's when i remember something . Looking down at his abs i notice a long scar that runs from  his core, down and curves to a halt at his left side. Cautiously, i reach out to run my finger along the scar.... its definitely healed,i mean the accident happened over eight years ago,but it must have been a really terrible wound if the scar is still so visible. As my finger touches his soft skin i feel him go tense , looking up in question he just nods his head while watching me ,signaling me to carry on.

"Wow. You don't know what it means to me that you just opened up to me like that ......thank you Shawn " i say, looking up from his scar as i draw my hand away . All he does ,is hug me closer to him.
" Anytime Rhea, anytime" at that very moment all the other guys including Mira walk into my room with sleeping bags in their hands.

"Umm....w-what's going on guys"

"We are having a sleepover Rhea, i thought you already knew this" Jake says, acting like he didn't just watch me have a mental episode.

Truth be told, i am grateful.

So grateful that they aren't looking at me with pity, or treating me like some kind of fragile object, I'm glad that they have decided to treat me the same way and not see me as a freak.

Nodding my head with a small smile. Jake nods in return looking me dead in the eyes. They all set up their sleeping bags and are about to go to bed when i call out to them.

"Wait guys!" They all look up at me expectantly.

I walk up to Jake and pull him into a hug.

"Thank you jake, i appreciate it......i really do" he looks at me and offers me a gentle smile.

"It's no problem Miss bratty pants" he says teasingly.

"Group hug!" Jeff yells, and before i can process what is happening, they all tackle Jake and i to the ground in an elaborate group hug.

"I love you guys" i say blinking back the happy tears.

"We love you more than you realise Rhea....now shut up i need my beauty sleep" Mira says lightly.

"Oh please, you would need four years of beauty sleep to look good" Ace says with a snort.

"Fuck you Ace Blackwell!" Mira yells pummeling him with her left fist while her left arm remains in the group hug.

"Mira that is really inappropriate,  if you want him so bad, why don't you go find the guest room"Jeff says joining the 'tease Mira club'.

"I hate you" Mira says playfully.

"I love you too sis"