The First Gladers

Chapter 11: Complications

 Every emotion you've ever felt are currently screaming in your head all at once as you lean into the kiss. You don't know why, but you kiss him back. You're raw with emotion, not able to discern which feelings belong where. Somehow, this is part of it. You sink into the kiss, not sure what else to do. You've lost so much in less than a month. You've lost a stranger, friends, and your life. You've seen horrible gruesome pictures that will stain your memory for the rest of your life. But here, now, with Chris. It almost makes sense, it's almost familiar, yet so so wrong. You pull away from the kiss, overcoming your sense of shock. Chris leans forward slightly, not ready to part. You lean back completely and look at Chris, a blank expression covering your face. Chris looks at you with curiosity. You're at a stalemate, your mind has gone blank of any thought or emotion, so you sit frozen, unable to move or emote. Chris looks at you with searching eyes, trying to find any hint as to what you're thinking. You're not thinking. You stand to your feet slowly, as if in a trance, and in a monotone voice you state,

"I need to go." With that, you leave Chris sitting alone in the forrest.

You walk straight up to Alby and without a word you grab him by the arm and drag him into the Homestead. He questions you the whole way, but you refuse to say a word until you're both seated on what's supposed to be couches.

"Chris kissed me." You announce, taking Alby completely off guard.

"What!?" Alby asks, anger rising in his voice.

"No, it wasn't bad... I mean, I don't know..." You answer.

You don't even know why you're telling him this. Somehow he just seems so wise. You study his face for a moment. He looks older. Maybe 15.

"Y/n I don't understand." Alby shakes his head.

"He kissed me... I was freaking out about Will and Alex, hating myself, feeling like it was my fault. He talked me through it and actually made me feel better. Then I was looking at his eyes... then we kissed." You blurt out.

"We?" Alby questions, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah... I kissed him back..." You murmur.

Why the shuck are you telling him all this!?

"Then what's the problem!?" He asks incredulously.

"I don't know why I kissed him. It's ridiculous. We're in a deadly Maze, three people died in less than a month, and here I am kissing Chris!" You exclaim.

"Look, I see two possible explanations. A: You're associating feelings of love with Chris because of all the attention and support he's been giving you, which obviously is because he likes you and is worried about you. Or B: You truly do like him." Alby explains.

You sigh. This is a mess. Why does this have to be so hard?

"What do I do Alby?" You ask.

"Think about it, figure out what you're feeling, then talk to Chris. Either way, I would suggest not moving forward with any sort of 'relationship'. Like you said before, we are in a deadly Maze."

You nod your head. Why does this have to be so complicated?

 You stay up all night, thoughts over-crowding your mind. Alby may have shed some priceless wisdom, but he can't tell you what you're feeling. Even you don't know what you're feeling. Sure, Chris is attractive, and kind, and sweet, and caring, and brilliant, and brave, and wow. But do you like him? You're torn, half of you enjoys having a shoulder to lean on, someone who likes you. To be quite honest, in the midst of all this, it feels nice to be liked. The other half wants to push away any attachments in fear of loss. You don't know what to do. So the smart choice seems to be to do nothing.

You wake with warm sun across your face as it filters through the sad window of your room. For a moment, you're happy and at peace. Then you remember Chris and a pit opens up in your stomach. Simultaneously your stomach feels empty, and also like you're about to throw up. Your whole body is covered in prickly chills. You walk out of your room on wobbly knees. You cover your eyes form the bright sun as you exit the Homestead. Still shaking, you walk towards the kitchen for breakfast. When you enter, both boys are eating lunch.

Shuck.

"You slept in." Alby states.

You roll your eyes. "Thanks Captain Obvious."

Chris hasn't looked at you since you walked in the room. Alby fills his water bottle from the tap, then heads out to take care of the animals... leaving you and Chris alone.

"We should talk." You both declare in unison.

You laugh.

"Look, I'm sorry." Chris starts. "I don't know what I was thinking. I... I just" He sighs. "Since the beginning, I've always felt like we had a connection of sorts, I know that sounds weird but, then that night... Well, I knew we had a connection. So, when we had a moment out in the woods, it just felt right... I guess."

Three minutes ago, you knew what you were going to say. Now your mind is void of thought. You had it all planned, you were going to tell him that maybe you do like him, but this isn't the situation to figure that out. You were going to tell him that after the Maze, you'd explore these feelings more. Now you're back to square one. You want him, you want him to hold you and care for you, but you also know it isn't the right time.

"I think you're right." You say, "But now isn't the right time." Your mind is blank, yet words flow through your mouth, saying exactly what needs to be said, "After. After we get out of here, we can look more into this 'connection' it is there, I know that much. Now isn't a good time. Let's get out of this Maze first."

You're surprised at your self, you had no idea you could be so wise. Even though it all came from Alby. Chris nods silently. His face reveals his disappointment, and if you're being honest with yourself, you're a little disappointed too, although you know it's the right thing to do. Chris looks you in the eye and smiles,

"Good idea Y/n. You're really smart ya know." He adds sweetly

You flip your hair dramatically over your shoulder,

"I know."

With a sly grin you walk out of the kitchen and skip over to tend the garden.