After the Storm//Poetry

*26| Throwback*

***
When I saw you this morning
You were looking down
Were you trying to avoid your eyes from reaching mine
I felt my heart break in every way when I saw you
I wasn't ready

I started crying yesterday
I was thinking about you
I was thinking about how much I still miss you
But I doubt you even care
So why do I even try

I still have questions for you
I still have things I wished to have said
I don't know if you could say the same
But I miss you still
And I don't understand why

I've had so many friends
But somehow your the one I wanted most
I wanted to keep you
I wanted you to be my forever friend
I didn't want you to leave me

I guess some things aren't worth fighting for
But I still have this hope
That maybe one day our troubles can be resolved
I wonder if you feel the same
But I'll never know

I still feel guilty for what happened between us
But I still don't fully understand what happened between us
Where did it go wrong
Why did it go wrong
I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up

I'm sorry I ruined your life
But I just wanted you to tell me it'd be okay
That you forgive me
That's all I've ever wanted from anyone
And yet I've never gotten what I wanted

Sometimes I think about dying
About what it would feel like
What it would be like if I was dead
Would you miss me?
Probably not

I doubt you even remember me
I'm nothing but a mere memory in the back of your head
I doubt you even want to remember me
I really wish I could talk to you again
But then I remember it wouldn't be the same

Even if we did talk
It wouldn't be the same
Because I ruined what our friendship used to be
I threw it all away
Because I was scared

I was scared of losing you
I told you I'd lose you
You told me it'd be okay
That you'd stay
But look where we are now

You're fucking gone
And I just feel alone
I hope it doesn't sound like I'm yelling
Because I'm not
I just feel resentment

I can't say I love myself still
Because I don't
I still have a sense of hate toward myself
It's not because of you
It's because of what I did

It upsets me
Because every time I go to school
I have to see your brother
I don't see him a lot
But when I do

It feels like a wave of guilt just rolls over me
The only thing I want to say to him
The only thing I can't say to him
Is this

Protect her
Protect her from people like me
Protect her from liars like me
Because I failed in doing so

I called myself your friend
But I wasn't a friend to you
You were my friend
But I can't think of a time when I was yours
I hurt you

Friends don't hurt other friends
I put all my shit on you
Friends don't do that
You deserved better
And I knew it

That's what hurt the most
I knew what I was doing
I knew I was breaking our friendship
But I didn't know what else to do
That's all I know how to do

I wanted you to show me
To show me how to love
Because I didn't know how
I wanted you to be there for me
Because no one ever was there for me

I'm sorry I hurt you
That was never my intention
I wish I hadn't talked to him behind your back
Because I don't even know why I did it
He wasn't mine

He was yours
If I hadn't talked to him
Maybe none of this would've happened
Maybe we'd still be friends
Maybe you'd still be happy

I'm such an idiot
And I hate myself for it
Everyday, every morning
I can't say I don't wish I was dead
I just wanted happiness

Call me selfish
Call me whatever
Because I'm still hurting
Are you
I just had to write this

I doubt you'll even read it
I doubt you even care
But just know I'm sorry
Know I still care
Because even if you don't love me anymore

I still love you
I can't hate you
Don't think I haven't tried
I tried to be angry
But I ended up just being angry at myself

It was my fault in the end
And I'm so sorry
I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry I broke you
I'm just sorry

So take this
Take my letter
Take away my pain
I just wish I could explain myself
But I don't even deserve it

I don't deserve it
Just like I didn't deserve you
I never deserved you
So now I have to write about how I lost you
Isn't that just sad

I hope you can forgive me
I hope you can forget me
Because the worst thing
Is holding onto to something
You know you'll never get back
***