After the Storm//Poetry

*17|Change*

I know deep down somewhere inside me I still miss you. I know somewhere deep inside me that you're never really gone. You say that you miss someone. But in some ways I hope it is me. Because somehow I still believe that we can still make things work. That's crazy right?

You pushed me away for a reason. A reason I still can't quite seem to understand. I guess it's okay though as if you let me back in I wouldn't be the same person I was back then. I've changed or at least I'd like to think I have. I miss you. Do you miss me?

My parents tell me I'm a fool to want you back. That your toxic and I should move on. But doesn't that mean I'm toxic too as it wasn't just you who did this to me. Thinking about you drives me, it drives me crazy. Because who knew. Maybe I did have feelings for you

I think about seeing you. I think, no, I dream. I dream of a day where I can say how I feel. And tell you how sorry I am. But why am I apologizing. I don't know what I've done wrong. Is it because your parents aren't okay with me being this way or is it because you aren't okay with me being this way? I don't even know but I'm happy to say I'll still be okay.

I've stop cutting for you. I cut so much more when you let me go. The inner turmoil I felt inside was too much to bear. So I did the only thing I could. I took the pain out on myself because who else was to blame? You let me go. And that hurt. Still miss you to this day. Why? Because I'm human and I let you get away. I somehow have these feelings and don't understand them. Maybe I did love you as more than a friend. Or maybe I'm screwing myself and have no clue what I'm even talking about. I honestly don't even know.

I'm changing. I talk about sex to anyone who will listen. I'm turning into a pervert. I think too much. I think inappropriately. God knows why I'm think like this. And I surely don't. Maybe it's my distraction from you. But I truly don't know. I do things I shouldn't. Because I need to feel something. I talk to strangers and I send them things I know I shouldn't. But I somehow don't mind it. Cause they're people like me. Maybe I've changed for the better or maybe not. I don't have the answer now, and I doubt I'll know the answer later.

I hope life fairs you well. Just know that I still love you. As you were a dear friend to me. I'd say so much more. But I doubt you want to hear me talk anymore. Until next time.