Chasing Fire (Completed)

Chapter 26

Hate

I left them with a heavy heart. Hindi ako halos makahinga kakapigil sa mga luhang gustong kumawala.

I bet I look horrible right now. My white shirt is stained with red wine and my hair is dripping wet and sticky.

Pumara ako ng taxi ngunit hindi ako hinintuan dahil may sakay na. Sa pangalawa ay pinara ko ulit ngunit may humawak na sa braso ko at pinaharap ako sa kanya.

"Vienna, please... I'll explain everything okay? I'll take you home first." Halata ang kaba at pag-iingat sa boses niya.

Kinuha niya ang puting panyo mula sa bulsa niya at pinunasan ang basa kong buhok at mukha.

I sighed then smiled. Dahan-dahan ko ring tinanggal ang pagkakahawak niya sa braso ko. His eyes drifted to his hand then back at me.

"You don't have to."

Dali-dali niyang hinawakan muli ang dalawang kamay ko gamit ang dalawa rin niyang kamay.

"Please, please, please Vien. I'll tell you everything. Please?" He said, voice shaking.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya at hindi umimik. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from giving in.

Telling me everything won't change anything. At bakit ngayon pa? When he had all the chances to tell me na... na may anak siya?

Then it hit me, hard. Maybe it's true. Maybe he just loved me because of the absence of his true love. Or maybe he didn't even love me at all.

Napalingon ulit ako nang napansing lumuhod siya sa harap ko at inilagay ang nakahawak niyang kamay sa kamay ko sa mukha niya.

"Please..." He begged.

Napalingon ako sa paligid at nakitang may iilang taong sumusulyap sa amin. Damn it. Pilit kong tinanggal ang isa kong kamay upang pumara sa paparating na taxi.

Nang huminto na yung taxi sa harap ko ay nilingon ko muli si Marco.

"Stand up and go back to your daughter. She's probably waiting for her dad to come back." I said then left him in that situation.

Tsaka palang bumuhos ang luha ko pagkatapos kong sabihin sa driver ang address ng bahay.

Loving Marco was like playing with fire. I wouldn't know when it will burn me. But I didn't regret chasing and loving him like that. The happiness I felt and the memories with him is enough for me.

Yes, I always get what I wanted. But this time, I know I can't.

Ayos lang sana kung ang problema ay yung magkamukha lang kami ng Valentinang yun eh! I can always deal with that! But having a daughter? Na kailanman hindi niya sinubukang sabihin sa akin?

I just can't take it.

I am one of those people who has a broken family. I only live with my dad and I know the feeling of not having a mom who will teach you things like what mom's do. I know the feeling of wanting to have a complete family so much but it's just so impossible to happen.

And I don't want that to happen to Marco's daughter. I don't want that poor girl to feel what I felt all these years. A longing for a parent's love and care.

At ngayon ayoko ng mamalimos ng pagmamahal. I am so tired begging for love I cannot have. Galing kay Mommy, galing kay Marco, galing kahit kanino.

I love myself, and that is enough for me.

Pinahiran ko ang luha ko at pilit na inaalis sa isipan ko ang sakit na nararamdaman.

This is just a chapter of your book Vien, better days are coming. Wag kang umiyak, at wag kang magmukmok. Continue living like nothing happened. Everything will be alright soon.

As soon as I arrived home, dumiretso ako sa kwarto at naligo sa bath tub dahil ang dumi ko at upang makapag-isip.

Tapos na akong umiyak. Yes my tears are now gone but the pain is still there.

Is that why ayaw na ayaw ni Marco na lumalapit ako sa kanya? Is that why siya lang yung lumapit sa akin noon kahit may bodyguards na nakaaligid sa akin? Because we look similar with his... his... I don't know.

At sa halos dalawang buwan na magkasama kami, hindi man lang niya sinubukang sabihin sa akin? Na may anak na siya? But then... yes, ako yung nagpumilit sa sarili ko sa kanya. But that doesn't mean na pwede niya na akong gawing tanga!

Damn it! Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang iisipin! I want to be mad at Marco pero hindi ko kaya.

Pagkatapos kong maligo ay isinuot ko ang aking roba at lumabas ng bathroom. My phone was ringing at nang nakalapit ay huminto na iyon.

I saw 23 missed calls from Marco.

Nang tumunog ulit ay inisip ko kung sasagutin ko o hindi. And I want to answer his call. One last time.

"Why do you still care?" Bungad ko sa kanya, slightly regretful for being so mean.

"Vien, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner... Hindi ko sinabi sa'yo dahil natatakot ako... I'm scared of losing you Vien." Narinig ko ang pag singhot niya sa kabilang linya.

Nangilid na naman ang luha ko. Fucking shit Vienna, can you please stop being so emotional?

"Tapos na Marco. Please stop calling me-"

"Baby, please don't hang up. Please, I will choose you. I will choose you over anything else..." Nervousness was evident in his voice. "Just please forgive me. Give me another chance please? Papunta na ako diyan-"

"Marco-" I tried to cut him off ngunit nagpatuloy pa rin siya sa pagsasalita.

"Alam kong ang gago ko, ang tanga tanga ko, but please, just this one baby. I will leave everything else for you... Wala akong pakealam sa kahit ano, just stay with me please."

Leave everything else? Leave her own daughter?

Like what Mommy did to me?

"No Marco. Stay with you daught-"

"Vien naman... Please, mababaliw na ako. I can leave everything for you Vien, everything." And now he's crying.

But I will never let you leave your own daughter Marco. I know the feeling of being left behind and I don't want that to happen to that innocent child. Kahit man lang sa paraang ito, I can still love a part of you, and that is your daughter.

Then I took all the courage to say something I don't really mean. I love him so much. I love every part of him and that includes his daughter. I am doing this because I love you Marco.

"You know what Marco? I hate you. I hate you so much. How can you leave your daughter just like that? Do you know how it feels to have an incomplete family? It. Fucking. Sucks... So please, leave me alone and let's not... see each other again." And then I hanged up.

Inilabas ko paghingang kanina ko pa pinipigilan kasabay ng pagtulo ng luha ko. I did so many things just to be loved back. Pero alam kong may mas nangangailangan ng pagmamahal niya.

I let him go not because I don't love him. I let him go because that's the right thing to do for the both of us.