Hyacinths & Biscuits

September 17 2019, 3:36 AM: a diary entry

suddenly i was 14 again. wondering aimlessly on the streets wearing shorts and a hoodie, mascara stained cheeks and reddened eyes. stopping only to heave and sob on the swing until 3:33 am , my lucky hour. I was 14 again because i was cold. crying, on a swing. and alone. having lost my most cherished memories and most loved friends. suddenly everything that had been building up came tumbling down and i was swallowed by the darkness. i am terrified of the dark. but here i am alone and trembling and weeping and pumping thc into my lungs.

That's when I found a penny. the saying goes "find a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck" a penny. found. by me. heads up. extra lucky. As i bent to pick it up, my heart string (the bracelet alex made me) fell softly into my cupped hand. Not completely off, but just enough to reach the middle of my palm. Being me I took that as a sign, and placed my new lucky penny under my heart string. Gripping them tightly in my palm leaving half moon imprints from my nails. suddenly i was 14 again. sobbing in the street at rock bottom clinging to any hope that i could. pathetic. worthless. utterly useless. but

With all this luck. my lucky hour, the penny, my heart string. Why was i so sad? Why am i hurting so much? Why was i leaking oceans over people who wouldn't even build me a trench? I can do one of two things in the morning. wallow and cry myself back to sleep, or lie in the bed that i made with my decisions and face life alone.

but i'm not alone. i have my dog. and my boyfriend. oh god my boyfriend. my blessing. my savior. The only light guiding me through this seemingly endless dark tunnel. He brings me pure joy and security. With him i am safe, vulnerable and small but safe. He makes me fee invincible, a feeling of strength i've never known. At least not personally. I feel as though i lost the biggest part of my heart. But i haven't. the biggest part of my heart is sleeping because he has an 8 am class and he needs his rest. the biggest part of my heart is going to text me "good morning beautiful" when he wakes up. The biggest part of my heart is going to hold me after nightmares and kiss away my tears and tell me that even without anyone around me i am strong. the biggest part of my heart handed me the heart string i wear proudly around my wrist. And he will still be there when I wake up. because he loves me. and he knows i am afraid of the dark. he knows how to crack a glow stick and throw it so it's just bright enough to guide me but not to blind me. he knows every fear and whimper and tear. Yet he still loves me. I may not have him forever, but i have him now. and it is a beautiful now that i will live in gladly until he tells me to stop. I love him. He loves me. and i am safe.

I am strong. i am loved. i am deserving. i am surrounded by the people the universe intended me to be around. all the things that are happening are happening for a reason.

Change is okay.

Change can lead to beautiful things.

Change is the first step to happiness.