Poems on a dark night 🖤

Die before i'm old.

I would never understand younger me and why she wanted to grow up so badly
I was depressed and wishing my life away, confused why I couldn't just smile as if that was enough to make me happy.
I am not writing an autobiography, I am just simply trying to comprehend the whirlwind that is my mind.
I used to stay silent thinking others wouldn't understand.
I used to bottle it all up until the tears bled out and turned red
If you know, you know?
But that was younger me and I realise now that I will never be satisfied
See I'm older now, memories fading but childhood trauma still remaining vivid.
Admittedly, part of my trauma was self inflicted but unfortunately my mind can't be convicted.
I feel conflicted and confused
I don't know if I ever experienced what lasting happiness is
And still...
I feel like I've lived a lie
I thought when you were older your sadness went to a grave to die
Or purgatory to see if it will ever come back to bite
Thought my worries would disappear
Feel lighter In my head
The storm cloud would eventually pass
Always told nothing bad lasts forever
Because all the adults I knew were constantly smiling and it even reached to their eyes
But know I know that life is an act and happiness gets easier to fake with practise, that is a fact
And that is why the adults, I believe their words as it seems like they've been there themselves and the 'it gets better lie' seems like just another tool on the shelf
Another thing people say to hold onto their sense of self and not throw themselves up into the sky
And I want to die before I'm old and out of practise because at least right now people comfort me when I cry
Loneliness seems like a worse disease than the war in currently fighting in my mind, only difference is I don't get a medial for surviving this fight