Just Breathe

s e v e n t e e n

Remus

We didn't go to classes the rest of the week. Hell, Sirius wouldn't even leave his room. We spent a lot of our days in Sirius's room. The first two or so days we didn't say much, each of us doing our own thing. We were just there to let Sirius know we were there. That we wouldn't ever leave him.

As for Sirius, he didn't do much of anything. He spent most of the days and nights sitting on his bed and hugging his knees, emotionless. A lot of the time when I was in there with him, he would lay with his head on my lap while I played with his hair, or else he'd sit with his head on my shoulder, watching me draw.

To be totally honest, I couldn't quite wrap my head around it. It really hadn't sunken in yet. The shy, sweet boy I met at Christmas couldn't be dead. It simply didn't make sense. And to go the way he had? A deep sadness filled me up when I thought about how horrible he must have been feeling. I couldn't deny feeling that horrible in the past, and my heart went out to poor Regulus and also to Sirius, who was left with the pain Regulus passed on.

 On the second day, while James and Lily left to get take out food for supper, I got out my sketchbook and started to draw. I wasn't sure what exactly I was drawing until the face started to emerge from the strokes of my pencil.

I drew Regulus as I could recall him from memory. The curve of his jaw, the roundness of his eyes, the sadness in them. I didn't realize Sirius was watching me until he whispered, "No, his eyebrows were a bit sharper than that. Yeah, and his hair fell this way, not that way." He showed me with a brush of his fingers and I corrected my mistakes. 

When I finished it, Sirius and I sat and admired it in silence for a few minutes. "Can I keep it?" Sirius asked me timidly. I nodded and carefully tore it out of the sketchbook binding. Sirius took it in his hands and admired it up close, eyes swimming with tears he refused to shed. He pressed the drawing to his chest and closed his eyes, head tilted to the ceiling. A single tear rolled down his face. 

"I miss him," Sirius whispered, choked with emotion. 

"I know, love. I wish I could've known him better."

Sirius gave me a half grin. "He was the greatest brother, and I never appreciated him as much as I should've. We didn't get along after my parents decided they hated me. He was taught to hate me too, but he never could. I didn't see it though. Not until years later. And then I had to get out of that house and I moved in with James. I started out checking up on him every week. I meant well, but it didn't last. When I saw him at Christmas...that was the first time I'd seen or talked to him since Easter. I'm such a horrible brother."

"You're not a horrible brother," I said. 

He sat up and away from me. "I am though. I knew he was hurting and I knew he needed help and I didn't do anything about it! I know what it's like to feel alone in that house and I abandoned him. I told him at Christmas to call me. I told him that if he ever needed anything that I would be there."

"Sirius-"

"That's the worst feeling, Remus. He needed me. He needed me so fucking badly and he didn't call. And I had this gut feeling that he needed me and I didn't call. I should've. I should've called him, should've listened to you. Maybe I'd still have a brother."

Everything Sirius was saying was so heartbreaking, I felt myself start to cry.

"He'll still always be your brother, Sirius. Always, no matter what. He loved you a lot, I could tell that much just by watching the two of you. Just know that after everything, even when you doubted it, he loved you, Sirius. It's very hard not to love you. 

Sirius sniffled loudly. "I'm not ready to see them on Saturday, Rey," he whispered. I knew he was talking about his parents. I laid my hand on top of his. 

"It'll be okay, Sirius. It's true, Saturday will be hard. But it will get better from there, I promise you. The dusk always comes before the dawn, my love. This cloud of darkness won't last forever."

Sirius scooted back over to me and wrapped his arms around me in a great big hug, smooshing his face to my chest. I hugged him back, resting my cheek on his hair. He pulled me down so we were laying down on the bed, snuggled into each other, and we fell asleep like that soon after. 

*******

It was the next morning, Friday, that Lily woke us up for breakfast. James, Peter, and Lily all went to the coffee shop for breakfast because they didn't want to wake us up apparently. Lily suggested they bring us back some coffee and breakfast sandwiches.

After we ate our breakfast, Sirius was getting a little antsy from spending all that time in his room, so we ventured to the living room and settled on the couch. I hooked up my G-tube since I didn't do it last night and Sirius once again laid with his head in my lap. We watched some TV, starting with the Bee Movie and Moana and progressing to Wild Kratz on PBS, a kids show. Eventually, after hours sitting there, we watched a bit more of John Mulaney for some laughs.

That night, the five of us gathered around the living room with bowls of popcorn and sodas. There were couches to sit on, but we all gathered on the floor instead. The environment started pretty somber, as we sat there talking out our feelings about Regulus.

We decided that was the best way to go about things. James was the expert on Sirius and he knew that Sirius had a tendency to bottle up his emotions until they became overwhelming. 

James started with the story telling. He told us about how he'd known Regulus almost as long as he's known Sirius. He told us about how he remembered innocent little Regulus when he was just a little tot, back when Walburga gave the four year old a bowl cut. He told about how little Regulus was so happy and always wanted to hang out with James and Sirius when the two boys played in the yard together. As the boys grew up and Walburga and Orion were conditioning Sirius to be all proper, Regulus just wanted to have fun. 

James told us about how that all changed when Sirius was eleven and Regulus nine, when Sirius's parents turned on him. Because suddenly, all that responsibility that Sirius was raised with having was stripped away and placed on Regulus's shoulders. He was expected to be everything Sirius wasn't, his parent's pride and joy and the reality of it was crushing him.

James recalled how Regulus never tried to play with them anymore after that. He hated them for awhile, acting on what he was being taught about his brother. But he soon came to realize that his parents were the ones in the wrong, not Sirius. 

Sirius went on to explain Regulus's dreams and ambitions. He told us how Regulus had wanted to be a doctor ever since he was little. 'He excelled at helping people,' Sirius said. Regulus had always kept good grades through high school and he was going to go to college to get his degree in the fall. 

As the night went on, though, the stories got more lighthearted and soon we had tears in our eyes from laughter instead of sadness.

"It was right after that movie came out, the Disney one with the snow princess," Sirius was saying.

"Frozen?" suggested Lily.

Sirius clapped and pointed. "That's the one. James's mum took us to see it, and Reg came with and he was singing the songs for weeks afterwards and Mum and Dad were getting so annoyed! He even slid down the banister one morning singing about salad plates and feeling gassy!"

I wiped tears of mirth from my eyes. Sirius reached over and grabbed my hand by interlocking our middle fingers, where we each put our rings. He smiled at me and I smiled back. 

"Sirius! Sirius, remember that time when Regulus overheard those high school students talking about sex and ickle little Reg went and asked us about it? And remember we couldn't stop laughing about it for days?" James said all in one breath. Sirius nodded, breaking out into giggles as well.

We went on like that for hours, Sirius and James going on and on about all the times they had with Regulus and all the things worth remembering. 

We all fell asleep like that on the floor, with me laying on Sirius's chest. Even after all the laughs and the reliving of memories, the funeral tomorrow rested heavily on our minds as we fell asleep.