Just Breathe

e i g h t e e n

Trigger Warnings! Mentions of suicide⚠

Sirius

We woke up early Saturday morning to get ready. The service is at 10:00 am, so we walked around between apartments numbly that morning getting ready while Peter whipped up a quick breakfast.

Lily was wearing a simple black dress with her hair up in a bun. James and Peter both had on black dress pants and a black button up. Remus wore black jeans and a black sweater and I wore black jeans and my leather jacket.

We all piled into James van and drove to my childhood house in London. We would be stopping first at my parent's house and then driving over to Black family cemetery. James pulled up to the long line of cars outside of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. I shuddered at the sight of it and Remus grabbed my hand.

"Are you like, a pallbearer or something?" Peter asked. I shook my head. "They didn't ask me to be. I'm honestly surprised I'm even invited." Peter looked a bit disheartened at that.

We got out of the car and slowly approached the house. As we got closer, I let go of Remus's hand. He looked a bit hurt, and I sent him an apologetic look. My parent's didn't need to see us holding hands. They already knew I'm gay, of course, but they don't need any reason to hurt Remus.

James knocked on the door and my cousin Bellatrix opened the door. She looked the lot of us up and down, a look of disgust clear on her face. Her eyes lingered on Remus and his oxygen cart and she leaned against the door frame.

"Orion!" She said, turning to call back into the house. "The disgrace has arrived." She said this last bit with a chuckle.

Bellatrix's husband, Rudolphus Lestrange, came up behind her, a drink in hand. "Just leave it at the door," he said with a smirk, already drunk. My nose wrinkled in disgust.

James stepped in front of me, eyes threatening. "Just let us in, Lestrange."

Rudolphus clucked in disapproval, but he moved aside. Lily had a hand on my shoulder in support as I stepped into the house. My eyes found the staircase and followed them up to the bedrooms on the second and third floors. The house was dark and cold. It always had been.

The overwhelming thought that my brother died in this house hit me all at once and I stumbled away from my friends and up the stairs. I caught sight of my father walking out of his office and it only added to my sudden need to vomit everything I ate for breakfast.

As soon as I made it up the stairs and to the bathroom, I lost everything in my stomach. I sat there, letting the dizziness subside and my stomach settle. Once I was sure I could stand, I made my way to my old bedroom. It was the same as I remembered it, dark and depressing, posters covering the wall where I tried to lighten the mood. I hated it in here, but it was better than facing my family down stairs.

There was a knock on the open door and I turned around. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't hear my mother approaching.

"Sirius," she said coldly.

"Walburga," I greeted back just as coldly.

"No Mother? No love for me? I raised you, Sirius."

"You're not my mum," I said. "And enough with the bullshit about you raising me. You gave birth to me, that's about the only credit I'm going to give you. The only family I've ever had is Regulus and the Potters."

Walburga looked on with disgust. She nodded towards my bedroom. "I found him in here," She said. "This is where he did it."

She left me there with the knowledge that my brother killed himself in my bedroom. I had the sudden urge to fling myself out the window. Any way to get out of that room as quickly as possible. I opted for the door.

I crashed into Remus on my way out and he just barely caught me and held me up.

"Sirius, what's wrong? We've been looking all over for you!"

"My--he--Regulus--my room--and," I was a blubbering mess. Remus wrapped his arm around my waist and helped me down the stairs.

"It's time to go, Padfoot. It's almost over, I promise. I know you don't want to be here, in this place. When it's over we can go home and everything will be alright."

I nodded, squeezing my eyes shut.

We got through the front door without any further incidents. James, Lily, and Peter were sitting on the front step.

"It's horrid in there," Lily whispered.

I just nodded. Remus grabbed my hand again now that we were outside of the house and we made our way to James's van to drive to the cemetery, following the long procession of cars.

When we got there, Andromeda Tonks, my cousin and Bellatrix's sister, sought us out. She gave me a hug, tears in her eyes. She was the only decent person in the entire family besides Reg and I, in my opinion.

Behind Andromeda stood her husband Ted and their daughter Nymphadora, who was about eight or nine years old.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius. This should've never happened."

I nodded, too choked up to say anything.

It was cold out, snow on the ground still. The wind was biting and we were all shivering. James had his arm around Lily, and Remus's nose and ears were red, breath fogging in front of him.

I grabbed Remus's hand and laced our fingers together, all pretenses forgotten. I just need to feel his warmth and know that he was there with me.

Mr. and Mrs. Potter arrived then and I was so grateful to see them that I ran for them and wrapped them both in a hug.

"Oh, Sirius, we're so sorry this happened. We're here for you, baby, alright? Always," Mum whispered as she rocked me back and forth, hand on the back of my head, protecting me.

When the hearse showed up with the coffin, Remus held one hand and Lily the other. James stood behind me with a hand on my shoulder and Peter stood off to the side.

My father, Orion, and my cousins and uncles took the casket and carried it to the grave, setting it down.

"Toujours Pur," Orion said in French, our family motto, which translates to 'Always Pure'.

"Toujours Pur," the Blacks all echoed. Walburga and Orion stood and the edge of their sons grave, looking down at the dark wood of the casket, Walburga clinging to Orion's elbow.

Their eyes were empty and devoid of emotions. There was no sadness there. They both turned to glare at me. They were the first to leave.

After most everyone was gone, the five of us approached the grave. I sank to my knees in front of it and Remus wrapped his arms around me from behind.

I reached out for my brother in his casket, but I couldn't ever reach him. The tears I'd been trying to suppress all day finally started to fall.

"Forgive me, Regulus," I begged. "Forgive me for not being there for you. I love you, Reg, and I'm sorry."

I folded over myself, screaming and sobbing. James joined Remus in hugging me and then Lily and Peter.

We were the last to leave.