Just Breathe

t w e n t y - t h r e e

Sirius

I had never felt as much panic as I did in that moment. With the nurses rushing around and the alarms, I sank to my knees. I felt too weak to stand, much less keep it all together. James was there in seconds, arms wrapped around me.

I was unaware I was sobbing until James reached up to wipe away my tears. "You dunno it's him, Sirius. We can't jump to conclusions. Just breathe, all right?"

My breath caught in my throat. How many times had I told Remus to Just Breathe? For crying out loud, it's the title of this book! (Jk I can't put that. No fourth walls will be broken today! Ignore that:)

It occurred to me that I was possibly having a panic attack. That would explain why everything felt far away and how I was shaking like a leaf.

James held me tight. "Sirius, you have to calm down. We don't know anything yet. That's it, you're all right. I've got you."

I stayed like that for awhile, until the alarms stopped their ringing. I was too afraid to lift my head. I didn't want to face the world just in case it had been something to do with Remus. I couldn't handle that. 

I remembered back to our first date. It seemed so long ago, like we'd been together for ages and ages, but really it had only been months. We had gone to the coffee shop, our favorite place, and talked. I remember Remus getting upset.

"I can't fall in love with you. That's not...it isn't fair to you to fall in love with me," he had said. 

I remember asking him what he was talking about. I didn't understand then.

"I'm dying Sirius. My lung function is at 33%. Even if I don't get sick, I'm still dying. New lungs aren't going to change that. They'd buy me a few more years, that's it. And that's if I make it through the surgery. I'm hopeless, Sirius. I can't fall in love with you because it'll just end badly and that's not fair to you. Nothing can change the fact that we would be just another tragic love story."

Out of the two of us, I'm the writer, but Remus really has a way with words. And here he is, finally getting his new lungs to buy him a few more years. 

You will make it through the surgery, Remus, I thought. You will, I know it. You're a fighter, you're strong. You have to.

A nurse came running down the hall toward us. I struggled to my feet again, James helping to hold me up. The nurse looked thoroughly rung out and tired and she looked like the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders. 

"I'm so sorry for the panic caused with the alarms. I assure you everything is fine with Remus Lupin now. There was a moment during the surgery in which the patient suffered cardiac arrest, but I assure you, he's stable now, and the surgery is back on schedule."

Relief flowed through me momentarily and I was able to breathe. I was so happy I could've cried, but Lily interrupted my train of thought.

"Wait...Remus--his heart stopped?"

Numbness instantly flooded my body again. My brain hadn't caught that part of the nurse's statement, I was so emotionally overwrought.

The nurse nodded slowly. "Yes, but immediate action was taken and Mr. Lupin is stable for the time being. I assure you, he his in good hands."

A little voice in the back of my head said, "I'm scared, Sirius."

I looked down at Remus. The doctors had just wheeled the stretcher into his hospital room and laid him down on the bed. They were preparing to put in the ventilator and Remus was squeezing the life out of my hand. 

'I'm scared, too,' I thought but I didn't say that. I pressed a kiss to his knuckles, locking eyes. "You'll be alright, Remus. I know you will. I love you so much, Remus. Calm down, baby, everything will be okay."

"I love you, too, Sirius," he said, squeezing my hand even tighter as the nurses gave him some pain meds and started the intubation process.

I wanted nothing more than to hold his hand in mine. I craved his touch and the contact with the one I loved more than anything. All I could think about was how the nurse said, 'for the time being,' like something could still happen. Like he could still die. 

I didn't like that at all. I just wanted my Remus to be okay again. I wanted to be able to hold his hand and kiss him again and talk and laugh and go on cute dates and cuddle and continue being in love with him forever and ever. I wanted to be able to keep loving him for a long time. That couldn't all end today. It couldn't.

The remaining hours of surgery were torture. Sometime along the way Mum and Dad showed up. They said James called them. Mum brought muffins she'd made and though I appreciated the gesture, I couldn't bring myself to eat it. 

And to top it all off, being in a hospital, surrounded by doctors, everything Regulus ever wanted to be came crashing down on me in a suffocating landslide. 

Lily tried to distract herself and my from everything by challenging me to a card game, so we played for hours, eventually James and Peter joining in too.

Nurses checked in periodically to update us on what was happening. Remus was doing great, they said. They were halfway through the surgery, they said. There haven't been any more complications, they said. It looks like smooth sailing from here on out, they said.

But I couldn't shake the panic and anxiety that I had carried with me for hours, since Remus had stepped into the kitchen that morning. 

It wasn't until Remus's surgery hit the twelve-hour mark that I started to calm down and feel a bit more grounded. I was reassured by the fact that the surgery would be done soon. He would be out soon and then everything could go back to normal. 

But time kept moving. The minutes kept passing without a nurse coming to say the surgery was done. And then the minutes turned into an hour and my anxiety climbed higher and higher with each passing minute and every nurse that passed by and didn't stop to talk to us. 

And then that hour turned to two. My eyes drooped in exhaustion, the dark sky out the window, the moon shining brightly in the sky. It struck me as odd in that moment, recalling how Remus had said that he thought he had a bond with the moon. 

"I haven't decided if it's a good bond or a bad one, but it's there," he had said that night as we looked upon the full moon. But tonight I was looking upon it alone. 

Finally, after a full fourteen hours, a nurse came to inform us that the surgery went well and Remus was back in his hospital room, still under the anethesia. She said she didn't expect him to wake up until sometime tomorrow, possibly longer. She explained that they had already started to put him on pain medication and anti-rejection drugs, so his body would except the new lungs. 

She explained to us that he would be in the Transplant Intensive Care Unit for several days where he'd be on the ventilator until he can breathe on his own. She also said that after that he will stay at the hospital for roughly a month, depending on how he improves. He will also have to be on Nothing By Mouth for at least a week to prevent food and water entering his lungs while he's still healing. 

She informed us that recovery takes time and that it will be hard for Remus. But that he will get better if things continue to go well and that we all keep our faith and have hope that he can get better. 

But he's gonna be okay. 

That's all that mattered to me in that moment. The whole world could be up in flames and I wouldn't care. All that mattered was that Remus was going to be okay.