Just Breathe

t w e n t y - f i v e

Sirius

Anxious. That's the word. I was very anxious as I walked down the hall with Lily. Mr. and Mrs. Evans had already been in to see him and it was our turn now.

Lily reaches over and grabbed my hand tightly in her own. She was anxious too.

We got to the right room, 394. A nurse was just leaving. She smiled at us and waved us in. The curtains were drawn and the room was lit by a lamp.

And there he was.

He was still asleep, laying there on the bed. They had the thin blankets pulled up to his chest, wires everywhere. He was hooked up to many machines, a ventilator still down his throat.

I tried to take deep breaths, but the tears were already coming, whether I wanted them to or not. I let go of Lily's hand to try and wipe away the tears, but they were too fast for me.

Instead I tried covering my mouth to stop the terrible sounds coming out. I stumbled over to the chair at his bedside and collapsed into it.

I wanted so badly, more than anything, really, to reach out and take his hand, but I knew I shouldn't.

Looking at Remus, I couldn't stop the sobs. They just kept coming. I wasn't entirely sure what I was so sad about, either. This was a happy day, wasn't it? Remus was okay, his body accepted the lungs. He'll get better.

So why was I so upset?

My eyes were wet for most of the day, whether I was on with Remus or not. Mrs. Potter came back to the hospital that afternoon and spent most of her time there holding me.

Her hugs are the greatest because she always knows just how to calm you down or comfort you. The way she rocks back and forth and holds me close could get me through anything.

He slept for the rest of that day and all through the night. It was the next morning and I was in the cafeteria with Peter and James, eating breakfast and drinking lots of coffee, when Lily came sprinting into the room.

She skidded to a stop, crashing into James. "He's awake! Sirius, he's awake!"

My breakfast was completely and utterly forgotten in that moment as I jumped up and followed Lily out of the cafeteria in a dead sprint. 

Yes, we got yelled at.

No, we did not stop.

When we got to the room, Mrs. Evans was sitting beside Remus, talking to him. She was telling him what happened and what was happening now and what was going to happen.

He was anxious also, that much I could tell. And he couldn't move or talk it out. Remus hadn't seen me there yet. Lily nudged me forward and I crept over to Remus's bedside and sat down at the chair Mrs. Evans had just vacated.

The two Evans women left the room. Remus struggled to turn his head to look at me, but when his eyes met mine, they filled with tears.

There were deep bags under his eyes and he looked exhausted and thoroughly wrung out. But those were happy tears.

"Hey, don't cry, love," I said, voice wavering.

Remus shook his head slightly. I can't help it, he seemed to say.

"I know," I answered, gesturing at my own tears. "I can't seem to help it either."

Though he was shaking terribly, Remus inched his hand across the blankets to grab mine. His cold fingers were trembling and I hated and loved it at the same time. I hated that he had to go through all this and I hated how it made him so weak. I hated how his hands were shaking.

But I loved that I could hold his hand. Even though his hands were worryingly cold, colder than usual, and even though they were shaking, his hands were real and here and in my hand and I loved it. He's alive. He's alive, he's alive, he's alive. Recovery will be hard, just like the nurse said. I know that. But recovery will happen. Someday, he'll be okay. 

And I will do everything in my power to make sure of it.

Remus squeezed my hand weakly. So weakly that I almost didn't catch it. He looked down a second and then back up at me.

"It's alright, love. You can go back to sleep, I know you're tired. I'll be here. Always."

Remus blinked at me. His eyes were smiling. I didn't let go of his hand, even after he fell asleep.

And I was there when he woke up again. Holding his hand.

Remus was in the Transplant Intensive Care Unit for the next week. In the TICU, he wasn't allowed anything by mouth, everything was by IV or his G-tube. They took him off the ventilator after the first five days, but he couldn't get enough air to talk until the sixth day. 

He took his first drink of water on the seventh day, and ate some soup on the eighth. It was slow, but it was progress. They moved him back to his old room on the ninth day. 

At that point, Peter, James, and Lily had been going to classes for the most part, at least when something important wasn't happening. Doctors, Remus, Mrs. Evans, and Mrs. Potter had all threatened that I needed to go back to school but I didn't want to leave Remus. 

"You can't stay at the hospital for a month, Sirius. Nine days is quite the feat as it is. You need to go home and go to school. Go get some rest, sleep in your own bed for a change. Lily and the boys are coming back tonight, you could go home with them," Mrs. Evans tried to say.

I didn't even want to think about it. It was an hour drive to get from Oxford to London. I couldn't fathom leaving Remus to drive an hour, go home, go to school for a day or two, and then drive back like the others had started doing. Sure, the Evans would be here, but I wouldn't be. 

As much as Remus needed me right now, I needed him too.

But it was true, sleeping in my own bed would be nice. I'd been sleeping in that stiff chair or else on the floor for days.

Remus finally managed to convince me to go home.

"I'll be fine," he assured, flashing me a smile. "Just make sure you grab my sketchbook and pencils on your way back. That way I have something to keep me busy while you're gone. Besides homework, that is."

I nodded despondently. The other three had been hanging around for most of the afternoon, but they were getting ready to leave again, this time taking me with them.

Remus nudged me. "Hey, cheer up, it's only two days. I'll see you again in no time. And you can always FaceTime me."

"But what if something happens and I'm not here?" I asked quietly.

"Nothing's going to happen," Remus said sternly.

I sighed, giving it up. I leaned over and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

"I love you," I said, giving his hand one last squeeze. "I'll see you soon."

"I love you too," he said. I let Lily drag me away.

When I entered Remus's apartment after Lily, the first thing that hit me was the smell. It was of plants and candles and burnt eggs. But most of all, it smelt like Remus, or at least what I'd grown accustomed to Remus's apartment smelling like. It brought me comfort, anyway.

I decided that I'd get Remus's sketchbook and colored pencils right away so I wouldn't forget, and also so I could flip through his drawings when I was missing him.

When I stepped into his bedroom, nothing had changed. It was almost as if nothing had happened at all. I picked my way around the clatter, stepping around stacks of books, and dirty clothes (they were mine, Remus isn't that messy), and over to his desk where his art stuff sat. 

As I reached over to grab his sketchbook, my eyes landed on his painting. The one he's been working on all semester. 

And I forgot how to breathe.