Burning Wild

Chapter Twenty

Mariana excused herself from the room, completely oblivious to the bombshell she had suddenly dropped on my world. I sat alone in the living room for a long time, staring at the wall in disbelief. The winter wonderland I had spent hours creating looked bleak now.

The news Mariana had given me weighed heavy on my heart. Of all the things I suspected Jake was hiding from me, his family's deaths were not one of them.

Knowing what truly happened to Jake's wife and children was gut-wrenching. I immediately regretted my frustrations about Jake's inability to commit. It was no wonder that he couldn't open up his heart to me; he had suffered such an unspeakable loss.

At the same time, it was a relief to know what Jake had been hiding for so long. Mariana's information allowed me to put together the missing piece as to why Jake was the way that he was. But it hurt that he didn't think he could trust me with that secret, that Jake had lied to me for so long.

Well, he never really lied, my subconscious reminded me.

I thought back to how wary Jake was when mentioning his wife and children. He was careful with the truth, leaving out certain details so I couldn't put two and two together. He always used words like 'left' or 'gone' when referring to his family's disappearance. It was as though Jake didn't want to admit that they had died, because doing so would make it feel more real. Regardless of the reasoning behind his choice, it didn't ease the sting of betrayal that I felt. 

My chipper and energetic mood was long gone. My lack of sleep and the new, heart-rending insight into Jake's past made me more fatigued than I'd ever been in my life. But at the same time, how could I rest when the world as I knew it was caving in around me?

Despite my exasperation at learning Jake's secrets, I tried to think about things from his perspective. What hurt he must be feeling, encumbered with an ache that would never really go away. To lose the love of your life would be difficult for anyone to overcome. And to have to bury your children, too? That's a burden that no parent should ever have to endure.

Tears formed in my eyes as I stared at Anna and Lucas' empty stockings. I picked them up and held them gently, as if they were fragile objects that might crumble in the palm of my hand. I ran my index finger along the soft surface of the cuffs, my heart melting at the realization that the children whose names were embossed here had perished in one of the worst possible ways.

It was no wonder that Jake was adamant about doing his job and doing it well. He fought fires for a living, clashing day in and day out with the very thing that snuffed out the people he cared for the most.

But the truth was, no matter how many people Jake saved, it would never bring Elena and the kids back. He would forever be haunted by the memories he'd had with them, and would always be left to wonder what could have been. For that reason, he would never be able to give me what I needed in life.

For months now, Jake had attempted to warn me. He tried time and time again to convince me to move on, to find a man more suitable for me, someone who could love me and give me their whole self. But I didn't listen. I continued this rendezvous with him, convinced that I could keep things casual. In the end, I fell for him with my whole heart, just as he feared that I would, and now I had to pay the price of my unrequited love.  

As if I had summoned him, Jake stumbled into the living room, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He had barely taken two steps into the room, before stopping in his tracks. It took him a full minute of gaping before he could take in the Christmas decorations that had been strewn about his home.

I immediately regretted my holiday festivity as I watched his emotions change before my eyes. Sadness, annoyance, resentment... it was all prevalent on his face. His face turned scarlet, and his teeth snapped together. He was filled with a deep-seated anger, unlike anything I had seen before. For the first time since I had met Jake, I felt truly frightened of him.