Remains To Be Seen

May I Hold Your Hand

Anne
The rumor isn't what hurt. It's the fact that no one stood up for me. No. That's not true. Gilbert did. He always made sure of it. Even as I had stormed out, I waited before truly running off. He defended me. And I was supposed to put my feelings toward him into words. He even growled at Diana for failing to be on my side. But the rumor, it was true. It wasn't from the Cuthberts though. Marilla and Matthew would never ever do that.
Before Marilla and Matthew adopted me I was at a home. A very very horrid home. The father would always get drunk and if something happened, it was always my fault. I was like a punching sack to him. If he dropped a glass it was me for punishment. If one of the babies cried, I took it. He'd pull his belt and whip my back usually 10 times minimum for good measure. That was before his wife sent me back to the asylum. She saved my life. But the scars, they were to stay etched in my skin for an eternity.
I had began to run after Gilbert spoke harshly to Dianna. I heard him dismiss himself from class as he grabbed my things. I walked hurriedly. The schoolhouse door slammed and I glanced back and Gilbert spotted me. I began to run. He wasn't far behind me.
I can run away pretty fast, but by the time I got to the forest he had caught me. Tears in my eyes as the scars on my back seemed to burn like fires. His grip latched around my wrist. I pulled my arm and he tightened his hold pleading me to stop. I wasn't going to. So he surprised me by pulling me towards him. I stumbled a few steps towards him and he wrapped his arms around me. It was like my tears were squeezed out by his arms. The comfort I felt in them just allowed the salted drops in my eyes to tumble onto my pale skin. And I sank. The ground was the only steady thing my legs could go towards. Gilbert fell to the ground with me.
He hummed as I sobbed. It echoed through the trees and sank into their roots to forever hold inside. They've received these terrors from me. Much like my tears that hydrated them ever so often. Gilbert had my head pressed to his chest as the salt of my embodiment soaked his shirt. I felt his hand caressing my hair lightly as he just stayed in silence with me.
"It's true," I croaked rawly.
"What's true?" he asked near dreamily.
"The rumor. But it's not from the Cuthberts. Marilla and Matthew would never in a lifetime. They have given me more love than I could have ever imagined."
"What do you mean they're true Anne. Who hurt you?"
"It doesn't matter. There is no joy without pain. You know this as well as I."
"I can't bear the thought of you ever getting hurt," he whispered.
"Everyone has been hurt one way or another. Some just have the real physical scars to prove it so," I sniffled.
I took a few deep breaths before truly recovering. I had never thought that what I told Diana in secrecy would ever get out to anyone. Especially Gilbert and Miss Stacey. They were the two I never wanted my past exposed to.
"Gil, I can put it to words now," I said.
"What?"
It's like I'm floating away from myself when I'm without him. He's my rock. He keeps my mind from jumping into the abyss of my imagination. He makes me feel safe. Like if the world was crumbling, it would be okay, as long as I'm with him. He treats me as an equal. Not less but occasionally more. He respects me in a way that no one else does. He respects my intelligence. Compliments me even when I scold him not to. He sticks by me even as I push him away.
He is stupidly relentless at keeping my attention. Even if he already had it. He pushes me to do better even if he doesn't know it. He makes me stronger. He makes me want to fight more than I've ever fought before. He makes the asylum and all my past faults invisible.
He sees me. And I see him. And when you see someone as they are for who they are...that is everything.
"Anne, your words expressed much more than what I could have said this morning," he said with melting chocolate eyes.
"I'm not finished," I said. "You scare me. No in the way that I am frightened of you. I'm afraid of myself. Yet I've been terrified of the idea of you. That if I lost you I'd never get you back. And I don't want to lose our friendship. I also want to beat you in school fair and square."
I lifted my head up to really talk to him. To accept his response. Only a smirk rose on his cheeks. I swear it must be the natural state of his face. He always has the smirk amongst his lips. I could be a permanent look for him.
"It's definitely fair. But you won't lose me Anne. Not now, not ever. As long as your hair is the color of warm flames, I won't falter away."
"This is crazy you know?" I stated matter of factly.
"What's crazy about us loving each other."
"I uhh..."
"Sorry strong word for a very recent confession," he mumbled. "For liking each other. What's crazy about that?"
"Nothing," I whispered.
He managed to get us both to stand. He passed me my coat and hat he had retrieved from the schoolhouse. They were covered in dirt which he insisted that he brushed off. Which he did even after I interjected.
He also made me agree to let him walk me home. I wasn't going to say no. But I taunted him with the idea of me refusing. We walked for a bit side by side. Arms brushing against each other in comfortable silence. Even after all the crap we just went through.
"Anne?"
"Yes?"
"May I hold your hand?" he asked.
I grabbed his hand answering his question. A giddish grin on his face caused me to smile uncontrollably. But the feeling was different. The butterflies Diana talked about. They weren't there anymore. I wasn't nervous with Gilbert. I was happy.

Truly happy