If I don't want to - S.M.

1 | Goodbye for Good

Shawn

"Thanks, Shawn, for everything. For the love you gave me throughout this time, for the effort of taking care of me all these days," she stopped for a while, managing to get across the things she wanted to say to me despite her choking throat, "I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend than you. But now, I have to go. It's goodbye for good, Shawn."

"But, I will bear it, Ariel. I can do all of these things all my life if that's what needed to have you by my side," I clenched my fists trying to stay in control over my sadness.

"But, Shawn-"

"Please, Ariel. I'll do anything to make you stay, please. Please, don't go. I don't know how to live without you," tears I'd been holding started to fall through my cheeks. I couldn't imagine how ruined my life would be without her.

"I can't, Shawn," she looked at the ground, didn't got the courage to look at my eyes.

"You said you want to hold on, Ariel. You said you're going to do anything to grow old with me," I said with the energy left in me.

She's the one who said she would do anything to make our ship sails no matter what storm we go through. She's the Ariel who would change her voice to have legs to walk the journey with me.

She's- she's the hope that helped me to get through life however hard it is, but now, she's the one who wants to leave.

"I'm tired, Shawn," the word escaped her lips.

She's tired?

"It's not about you, Shawn. It's me who will no longer suffer the pain if we end this, Shawn. It's me," she ended her sentence half shouting. Her knees dropped to the ground.

I can hear her sobbing under her tiny palms that manage to covered her cheeks and eyes. I knew it's a lie.

I wanted to hold her so bad, but I couldn't move my feet. I kept trying to move, but my body wouldn't listen. I tried to at least shout and say I'm coming to her, but even my tongue wouldn't cooperate. Every time I tried, my chest became tighter and tighter.
Then my vision got blurred before it went completely dark. I felt my body fell into a never-ending hole that got even darker and more suffocating every inch I fall deeper.

I was still hoping those tiny palms of her would reach me. Wondering if her lips would say she was wrong, she didn't mean it and she could never leave me. But, she never came and I kept falling, deeper, and deeper.

I wish I would land on a hard surface and just end this suffocating feeling, but I never reach the bottom.

"Shawn! Shawn! Wake up!"

I heard a sound.

It wasn't Ariel's.

It was a male voice that sounds familiar to my ear.

"Shawn!"

I tried to recognize the voice. It was close to my ears. But, my lids felt heavy and I couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't respond to the source either.

"Shawn!"

Suddenly I felt a hand grabbed my left shoulder. It pulled me hard. My body jerked. I finally woke up.

I found Brian squatting on the side of my mattress with his eyes widen. His hand's shaking my left shoulder. My whole body drenched in sweats and I could feel my cheeks flooded by tears.

"Jeez, Shawn. I thought you've got a heart attack," he sighed as he finds the answer to the panic situation.

"Sorry, Man. Bad dream," I answered, ruffling my hands through my hair.