Ｕｃｈｉｈａ

XXXVIII

The sky outside is vast and fresh. Maybe it's because Suna isn't much of a city—thus eliminating light pollution—but the stars are much visible here than they are back home. Much brighter.

"So," Sai asks a few minutes after all we've done is stand there and gaze out towards the few buildings surrounding us. "What exactly did you want to talk about? Are you feeling okay? Should I take you home? Ibiki should be somewhere nearby, we could call him and—"

"I want to go out with you." I blurt out, halting him in his oncoming blabber and effectively bringing another blanket of silence around us.

"You... what?"

And it pains me somehow to have to repeat it again. I had rehearsed the perfect speech, the perfect climax to ask the question but it seems my mouth runs faster than my brain can process and in its hurry, summarizes an entire script into a simple sentence. Now I stand here in silence, awkwardness, maybe, and self-doubt.

Doubt? In an Uzumaki? Nonsense, right? But let's be real: maybe I thought way ahead and skipped over the part where Sai might not even be interested in me anymore. What if Sai had grown tired of chasing me? What if I'm too late? What if he saw in me what I feared the most: a pathetic being—always chasing after someone who would never chase me back, always holding on to unrealistic hopes and dreams, always centering my thoughts and wishes towards one only person... maybe he grew tired of it all, saw something pitiful about the way I was and thought 'well, maybe he's not really worth it'. 

Off in the near distance, I could hear a bit of a rustle, but honestly, my dad and the obvious growing crowd of Suna students behind him were the least of my concerns. Right now, this moment was about Sai and I— no one else.

"Naruto," He begins, and I prepare myself for immediate rejection. "I don't think you're thinking clearly."

I look to him, barely noticing I had my eyes closed. My heart seems to have picked in speed and suddenly my chest feels tired. "I don't understand."

"Understand what, Naru?"

And here's where I gulp, where I try to shake the nerves off and try not to sound like I'm going to cry. "Why aren't you leaping to say yes?" I ask and am very aware of how conceited it sounds. "I'm right, aren't I? I'm too late? You don't love me anymore."

Sai gets choked up as his mind races for an answer. "What? No, Naruto, stop. You're not thinking clearly. What happened to your undying love for Sasuke? He loves you, Naruto, and I'm not saying this to add fuel to any fire burning within you, I'm not trying to hurt you with made-up lies or get your hopes up for nothing, I really mean it."

My fists, I notice, shake in anger. My chest, tight and heavy, ache at the sound of his name.

"I love you, yes—and no, you're not too late Naru, but..." he sighs, passing a hand through his hair as he looks out into the distance. "I don't want to interfere with your feelings."

"I have nothing to feel anymore, Sai."

"You don't mean that."

"What happened to you telling me he wasn't worth it?! Huh?! What happened to you telling me that he was just a jerk who used me for an ego boost and that you'd take better care of me?!"

"Nar—"

"I need change, Sai. I want something new, I want to start all over, I want to forget he ever existed and I want to erase every stupid memory of him from my life! I've had it!"

"You can't just do this. There are better ways of getting the change you want."

"But I want to do this," I nearly sob. I realize how low I've fallen to be begging for this. To have done this to myself without ever thinking this could ever be a consequence. "I don't want to be alone, Sai. I don't want to miss out on loving someone, on feeling loved because I was too focused on him. Besides, how much longer would I have to wait? You said it yourself, even my mom has: he loves me, but where is the proof of that? Where's the proof and guarantee that'll immediately erase all those years of running after him, of being ignored and not being taken seriously? How is he going to make up for it, Sai? How? Where does one even begin to fix all of that?"

Clearly he's conflicted. He doesn't know whether to look out into the night sky or meet my eyes. He doesn't know what to say.

"I want to know if your offer still stands," I say, determined. "I want to know if you can still love me after seeing how stubborn and pathetic I was."

"That'd be me taking advantage of you," He says, tone calm despite the conflicted demeanor. "And you using me."

"Then let's use each other."

A shuffle from somewhere behind us gets his attention, but only for a split second. We're both aware that we're being watched; my dad is clearly and terribly hiding behind some tall indoor plants while the Suna group tries to hide behind him. As to what they must be thinking right now... I'm sure we all know. 

I can hear their faint whispers, the murmurs. Their hearts breaking at the sight of their leader getting cornered by me, not knowing what to say. My dad... well, bless his soul, but he's liking what he's seeing. So long as the person in front of me is not Sasuke Uchiha and, this time, I agree with him.

"Go out with me, Sai. You told me yourself, you told me to love myself first and by doing this, I'm helping myself," I move a step closer toward him. "I want to start all over, go back to those days where you openly flirted with me only this time I'll flirt back. This time I can kiss you and it can have some meaning unlike that other time I did it just to make Sasuke jealous."

The Suna students all murmur loudly, shocked at the revelation of this fact.

Sai, still silent, looks me in the eye as if looking for something. I stand before him unwavering, maintaining that eye contact with him as if letting him into my soul, letting him see the determination in me. I want him, I want Sai.

No, I want to be loved back. I want to disappear, become a whole new me who enjoys the gift of being loved romantically.

Or... is this what I really want?

Suddenly my heart aches for him: he has to deal with this burden. 

Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm really not thinking clearly. This is probably a fit I'm throwing because I'm an idiot. 

And thus again, I've thrown myself into another pit of self-doubt. 

"You'll regret it, I know this for sure," He says and my attention is back on him. "And though I know you would, I'll do my best to make you happy. Even if it's for a short time." He steps in, taking my cheek in his hand and slowly inches his face towards mine. He chuckles. "You know, I hate that after all those times of me continuously asking you out, my dream only ever comes true but you're the one asking me."

I smile, feeling guilty for not immediately feeling something and only mustering up a faint smile.

"Naruto Uzumaki, I'll go out with you." And he hesitates to do so but leans in for a soft kiss on the cheek. And though I smile, I smile more at the fact that I can hear the group behind us cry in despair while my dad silently cheers.

This is the right decision. 

This...