Nudes

0.1

13 DAYS BEFORE THE SUICIDE

I used to be normal. I used to have friends and loving parents who made me feel wanted.

I never would of thought sending one picture would ruin my life. It's not what I sent that ruined me, though.

It was who I sent it to.

"please show me."

"no fuck off calum."

"but you're so beautiful, baby :( i wanna see."

I couldn't help but blush at the fact that he thought I was beautiful.

'"don't lie to me."

"i couldn't if i wanted to."

For some reason, I actual considered it. Something about the way he was making me feel and the words he was saying made me excited.

I picked an old photo in my camera roll that I took when a few months ago that I kept for myself.

"here, now shut up."

I locked my phone and put it on my chest. My heart was beating out of my chest, praying he liked it.

I started thinking about if he didn't, or if he didn't think I was beautiful anymore. I closed my eyes and waited anxiously for him to text me back. 

Suddenly, my phone started lighting up with notifications.

"woah, who is that?"

"OMGGG GTFO"

"ew it looks like a jelly fish lol"

My heart stopped as I picked up my phone. The bile started to rise at the back of my throat as I checked who I sent it to. 

The rest of the student body all in one group chat. 

I shut my phone off and put it into my nightstand drawer. I didn't know what else to do. They wouldn't tell anyone, right? I mean they were my friends, after all.

After multiple hours of me staring at the ceiling and overthinking about the next day at school, i fell asleep hoping it would blow over. Things like this happen all the time.

How wrong I could've been.  

I'm not exactly sure who sent it, but the picture spread fast. Everyone had seen me standing there, naked. Even teachers.

I was treated differently. I was name-called. I was sexually harassed. I was followed. I was removed from student body and I lost all my friends.

It was so fucking hard. Truthfully, I didn't know if I was going to make it through it.

At first, I tried to stay strong. I tried to shrug it off like I didn't care. Like I knew my worth and the picture didn't define me. As much as I really felt that way, that didn't last long. I got weak, lost all my energy, happiness. I fell into such a dark place.

I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. 

I cried myself to sleep most nights.

It felt like I lost everything, especially myself.

Every breath I take feels almost painful. With every inhale and exhale, I feel myself getting more and more exhausted. I think about stopping often. I think about all the possible ways I can end this continuous pain.

There's only one thing holding me back: fear. It feels, as though, nobody would notice, but I'm afraid of where I would go after that. Hell, obviously, but what if there wasn't a hell...or a heaven, what would happen then?

Calum Hood.

He made it so much harder.

He smiles at me as his eyes rake my body when he passes me in the halls, knowing my mistake. i always regret sending him that photo. He didn't even deserve it.

He wasn't my boyfriend, or even came close to it.  He was just a boy that I thought had liked me. I was wrong again. After the photo got out, he stopped talking to me. He turned into one the kids who made me feel so shitty about myself.

Then, there's now.

It's only my junior year and as the days goes by, it just gets harder and harder. I have no one. It's always just me. 

They always say the punishment fits the crime.