Regiphobia

The Attempt

Goda was sitting behind one of the shelves in one of the storage rooms, waiting patiently for Juan. He was doodling on a scrap of paper he'd brought with him, pencil scratching on it. He was so focused on his task, in fact, he didn't notice when Juan sat down beside him until he said, "What'cha drawing?"

He jumped slightly, heart rate picking up for a moment before slowly starting to settle down as he looked over to Juan, who was laughing slightly. Goda flushed, "H-Hey, it's not funny!"

"No, it's hilarious," Juan said, putting an arm around him and kissing his cheek. Goda tried to look annoyed, but he quickly fell into a smile.

"You're the worst," Goda said, leaning into his side and resting his head on Juan's shoulder.

"Anyway, you said you wanted to tell me something?" Juan asked. Goda's smile faltered just a little bit.

"I... don't really know anymore," Goda said, looking at the floor, "I don't kn-know if I want to talk about it...."

"C'mon, Goda, I want to know more about you. I want to be able to help you," Juan said softly, "I just want to hear what you have to say."

"....Promise you won't j-just think something's wrong with me?"

Juan held up his free hand, "Cross my heart."

Goda took a breath. It was going to be OK, Juan would still love him, he knew that. He held himself closer to the other and spoke quietly.

"I..... wanted to t-tell you that- that I've t-tried to take my own life more than t-twenty times..."

Juan's eyes widened. "Twenty times? Like... individual attempts?"

Goda nodded, "I st-topped counting after twenty t-two..."

Juan was silent for almost two full minutes before pulling Goda into a hug. Juan had a... strange relationship with suicide. With some attempts in his past, the most recent having only failed because of the height he fell from, he didn't know if the number may change in the future.

But... more than twenty in the course of an eighteen-year-old's life? That led him to one conclusion: Whatever he didn't know about his boyfriend's past, it was worse than he thought. Maybe worse than the abuse and trauma he'd been shown, maybe worse than the treatment by his fiancé he'd seen, maybe worse than the words Goda said about himself with an origin Juan didn't understand.

"I'm so sorry you were driven to that," Juan said softly, closing his eyes as he felt Goda's tears start to fall on and seep into the shoulder of his uniform, "I'm so, so sorry..."

"You're- n-not the one that needs to ap-pologize," Goda said softly, letting out a weak, sad laugh as his arms moved around Juan's neck. He clung to the taller, trying not to cry any more than he already was.

"Too late now," Juan mumbled, turning his head slightly to kiss Goda's cheek again, "Plus, I don't think anyone who put you through that is apologizing soon. I hope you never have to see them again."

But he always apologizes.

Goda just sniffled, clinging a little tighter to him as he calmed back down. "I d-dunno what I'd do without you, Juan," he mumbled, leaning his head on Juan's shoulder.

"Probably go back to how it was with just you and the king, right?" Juan said. Goda gave a small shrug, not wanting to fall into talking about Gabe. "Anyway, how long do you think we have?"

"Fifteen, maybe t-twenty minutes?" Goda mumbled. He knew that because of him they'd lost somewhere between five and ten.

"Then we have time to talk! Do you want to?" Juan asked. Goda nodded quickly, not wanting to think about what he'd said just moments before. "Alright, how are you feeling? I know the whole thing yesterday was stressful."

"I'm... better than I thought I would be. Th-Thank you for being there for me," Goda said with a small smile.

"No problem! I'll always be here for you, Goda," Juan said, his mood having apparently switched on a dime again.

"And I'll be here if you ever need it," Goda said, leaning forward and kissing him.

Juan moved one hand to the back of Goda's neck, his other hand wrapping around his waist and pulling him comfortably close.

As Goda pulled back, he wiped at his eyes, "I love you."

"Love you too, G-dog," Juan grinned.

"I take it b-back, you're the worst," Goda kissed his nose, feigning annoyance as he shifted a bit.

"Well, then at least I'm the worst with you, huh?" Juan said, moving the hand that used to be on Goda's neck to his cheek.

"And th-thank god for that," Goda mumbled, eyes gaining a slightly distant look for a couple of seconds, but Juan didn't want to question it. Not today.

Maybe in time.