Regiphobia

The Lost

Goda was in bed, staring at the wall. He didn't know how long he'd been there for, but he didn't want to leave any time soon. He could hear voices and footsteps outside his room, but he didn't listen or really care much.

Eventually, the door cracked open. Someone stepped inside, shutting the door behind them and walking towards the bed. "Goda? You OK?" Juan asked, sitting on the edge of his bed.

Goda simply shook his head. Juan sighed, holding out a hand to the other. Goda took it, holding and lightly squeezing. He didn't know why he was feeling this way. He wanted his dad gone, right? Of course he did. That was all he wanted for the last fourteen years of his life!

Then why was this happening..?

Juan moved closer, running a gentle hand through his hair. He shut his eyes, relaxing into the touch. That was a little better. Juan didn't say anything. It was obvious he didn't want to talk. That was alright. He was probably going through a lot from all that, Juan didn't push him.

After a bit, Goda sat up. He moved along the edge of the bed, leaning into Juan's side and hiding his face. Juan waited until he was settled before putting an arm around his shoulders. He lightly moved his hand over the other's arm, causing the other to relax further.

"What's wrong?" Juan eventually asked.

"I..." Goda mumbled, turning his head so his words wouldn't be muffled, "I d-dunno. I wanted this, I want him gone, b-but if that's true then why am I f-feeling this way?"

"I wish I had an answer," Juan sighed. He didn't have anything to help Goda. He felt useless, again.

"I dunno if th-there is one... I just-" Goda looked up at him finally, "I love you, thank you f-for- for being here and staying and everything-"

"No problem," Juan forced a small smile. They stayed together, Juan trying his best to help Goda feel better, for quite some time.

Meanwhile, Gabe was speaking with yet another official, clearing up a misconception about the execution. When the woman finally left his study, he sighed and stood. Why was state-sanctioned murder so annoying to plan? He drummed his fingers on the desk, looking down at the papers he had to get through. There was a knock on the door. Dammit.

"Come in," he said, looking to see who it was.

His younger sister, Camille, walked in, smoothing out her dress. "Your Majesty," she smiled and curtsied.

Gabe sighed and sat, a shadow of a smile coming onto his lips, "You don't have to say that, Your Highness."

"It's still fun," Camille walked over to his desk, sitting across from him, "I wanted to talk to you."

"About?" Gabe asked, picking up a pencil and spinning it around his fingers.

"Goda. Last week, I could've sworn I saw a bruise on his face. He was going up to the third floor, I think. I saw him later coming down with paper, so I guess he was in a storage room, but I... It may have just been my imagination, but I saw a bit of purple on his cheek."

Gabe blinked. Clearly Goda hadn't done quite enough to hide it that first day. He added another item to the mental tally of things he'd have to punish Goda for. It was getting pretty damn long at this point.

"It must have been a shadow or your mind jumping to conclusions. There wasn't a bruise on his cheek. I would have seen it," Gabe responded simply.

Camille hesitated, then nodded, "Yeah, you're probably right. I'll see you at dinner, right?"

"Of course. I have work to get to."

"Yeah, yeah, you always have work. Bye," Camille gave a half smile, stood, waved, and walked out. Gabe dropped his smile, looking down at his papers. He'd have to talk to Goda. As if he'd stop hitting him to resolve the issue. Punishing Goda until he did what he wanted was much easier.

He started filling out, reading, and signing a few papers, imagining some of the images in his little museum so he didn't get too bored. He loved the power being king gave him, but the paperwork was tedious and annoying.

He wanted to head back to Goda's room already, but he had too much on his plate. Poor Goda, looking lost and confused. He needed Gabe to guide him, didn't he? That's what he'd do, as soon as he could head back to his room. Just like a shepherd with his pathetic little sheep.

Unbeknownst to him, he didn't need Gabe. Goda had someone else to guide him, and this one was leading him out of the dark rather than into it. Juan was helping him, not hitting or cutting or scarring him. This time, when Goda was completely lost and needed someone, he had someone better. Someone kind and open. Someone broken, but strong. Someone who may be hurting with him, but would never hurt him. Someone so close to him, yet so, so far away, all at once.

Across an ocean, a woman was sitting in her room, staring out the window. She was having a dozen conflicting feelings. She felt worried about her close friend. She felt love for a man she'd met just a week ago. She felt... lost for words. Not like she could speak them anyway.

Arial sighed, missing that place already. She obviously didn't want to move there, she adored Canada with all her heart, but she missed the people. The king was suspicious in her mind, but Goda and José were amazing. She wanted to talk to José's brother and get to know him too, she wanted to spend time with Goda, she wanted to be close to them again. She wanted to be close to José, more than anything. God, she was head over heels for that man already, and she didn't even think he liked her that way.

In the room of an engaged man, another held him close. He looked down at the other's red hair, the other's chocolate eyes, the other's pale skin and tired expression as he slowly fell asleep. He just wanted to keep the other safe, but he seemed to be doing a terrible job at it. He felt useless. He felt lost.

Juan pulled Goda just a little closer. Ever since the bomb hit, almost eight years ago, on his tenth birthday, he had felt lost. Even besides his brother, even holding Goda, even through everything. But maybe, just maybe, Goda could help him find his way. Maybe Goda could lead him away from the tide, away from the edge he'd been on too many times before, and towards something better. Nicer. Kinder. Maybe this was the thing he'd been looking for since the bomb hit Boiro, almost eight years ago now.

In a small room in the guard's quarters, a man was staring at a handheld phone he and every other guard was given. He'd typed in the number he had to call to talk to her, all he had to do was press that little green button. He kept staring, kept waiting, kept thinking. Then he watched as darkness brushed across his arm and he put it down, sighing. He was lost, wasn't he?

José set the phone on the small dresser beside his bed, shaking his head. Darkness, swarming around the room. Another hallucination, he knew, but that didn't change how real it felt. He was lost in his own mind sometimes, and this was slowly building up to be one of them.

One man, in his own room and drifting to sleep, was more lost than any of them. A father due to die, a fiancé he didn't know if he loved, a lover he adored but had to hide. Injuries no one could ever see. He didn't know what he was supposed to feel now that his soon-to-be husband wasn't here to tell him. But the man holding him now gave him a pretty good hint.

Goda fell asleep in Juan's arms, head on his side. He felt safe beside him. He felt better, happier. Lost, but slowly being found. It made him feel more alive than he felt with Gabe. Maybe... Maybe it would be nice to get away from all of it. Maybe it would be nice to have Juan take him away. Maybe it would find him, once and for all, after so long.

Gabe was not lost.

Gabe knew exactly where he was, exactly what he was doing, and exactly what he wanted. It had never been a question for him. The answers always laid right in front of him. Ever since he could remember, he knew the answers. They changed as time went on, of course, but now he was more certain about them than ever.

He was in the position he deserved. He was doing what had to be done. He wanted Goda to finally be his and his alone.