Oof
Don't you hate it when people say: "Why are you so mean to yourself and not others? What's the difference?"
Or: "Other people don't think that about you, so you should be happy. Why do you think everyone is judging you all the time? They're not!"
Bruh.
Actually, it's called 'Self hatred' and 'anxiety'.
Sorry if it comes off that I'm angry. I'm not, I'm just tired of getting the same shit.
I don't know how to fix it, Karen. Maybe if I did, I would have already done it, doncha think?
I really wanna go for a walk but it's already dark here in England.
What time is it over where you live?
I hope you don't hate yourself. Like at all.
Because, let me tell you, it sucks.
My room is so cold. I don't wanna get up though.
I'm also really fucking hungry.
Actually, I can't even tell if I'm even hungry nowadays. I'm always just really cold. And sad. Or just hyper and anxious.
Now that I think about it, I barely even eat anything anymore. I don't know why, I don't feel motivated to do anything. I don't feel hungry either. I just feel like giving into the inevitability of death and sadness forever.
No, I'm not depressed.
I have no reason to be. Well, as far as I know I don't.
I just don't want to actually call myself depressed because I feel like everyone is going through so much worse than me, and I don't deserve emotions, happiness or even to be sad.
I decided long ago I don't deserve anything or anyone, and I always played it off as me being 'hard to get', when really I just tell myself that to sugarcoat the thought that tells me I don't deserve anything.
I just really want to be okay again.
I say "again" but I don't even re, remember a time where I was happy.
Sure, I would have small things done with my life that would make me happy for a while, but as soon as I was alone everything got grey.
Ugh.
I hate sharing. I'd rather just listen to people's problems and give them advice as that's all I'm good at.
Everything I had going for me before my birthday is going to shit.
Before, I had a path, or at least a direction in where I was going. Before, I was planning on getting a short haircut and look a little more like a boy, now I don't even know if that's ever gonna happen.
Before, I was going to tell my parents I wanted to start cosplay, so that I could buy a binder "for cosplay" but now I'm not even sure we have enough money for food next week, let alone cosplay equipment.
Before, I thought I was gonna wake up at 5 every morning and take a long walk and read and have time to be happy, now it seems the days go by as quick as a breath.
I just want things to be okay in here. In my head, in my heart.
I just want to feel okay for once.
Why do some people just know who they are, and why the second they're born? How is more like it.
And why can't I be more like those people? Why can't I understand what's going on in my head?
This is why I say I need therapy.
It's dark out now.
I don't even know if I wanna post this. I don't want to get made fun of, and the only way to not get made fun of is to make everything a joke. But I have to be serious sometimes.
I guess that means I have to get made fun of.
That's fine.
It's like they say, "there is nothing you can do that I have not already done to myself"
Ugh. This is so ew.
Sharing is ew.
Why am I doing this to myself.
I should put a warning at the beginning of this chapter so that people shouldn't read this, but I still need to post it to vent.
I probably already did that.
Well, this went from kinda jokey to a little dark.
I say a little, because this isn't even the beginning of the darkness of my everyday thoughts.
Like I said, maybe I'm just a sad person.
I probably am.
Ugh.
I can imagine there will be more of these in the future, so yeah.
Bye.
Sincerely, Lem.
