What I Need

23: Just know that I'm trying my best

"What's wrong now?" Jisoo purses her lips. Lisa clenches onto the glass in her hand. Her eyes soften. "I feel so entitled to something I shouldn't be." She mutters and Jisoo watches her slump onto the counter of the bar.

"What do you mean by that?" Jisoo rests her chin on her hand and Lisa sighs. "I don't know, it doesn't even matter." She runs a hand through her hair. Jisoo watches her for a moment, "So she just no-showed?"

"Yeah," Lisa mutters. "I don't know what I even expected, though. She was pretty upset, and it was reasonable on her part." Lisa groans as she leans back into her seat. It was nearing six in the morning.

"She said she was going, did she not?"

"Yeah, but I mean honestly I kind of thought maybe she would pull this just to get back at me." Lisa cracks her knuckles out of habit and Jisoo nods. She sighs, "How long did you wait?"

Lisa looks at Jisoo and sips on her drink. "It doesn't matter." She says and Jisoo crosses her arms. "How long did you wait, Lisa?" She says firmly and Lisa bites on her lip. The lights in the bar are dim, but somehow they put her heart at ease.

Less than a couple of months back and she'd be over something like this. She'd be craving the blinding lights, numbing bass, the faceless people. Lisa grits her teeth. "Like I don't know, three hours, probably." She groans.

"Three hours?!" Jisoo's eyes widen. She clears her throat at the saddened look on Lisa's face. "Sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I just like . . ." Jisoo sighs and nods her head. Lisa nods back at her.

"Look," She says and Lisa peeks her head out of her arms. "You have a girlfriend." She mutters and Lisa nods. "I know." She says.

"You guys have been dating for like five days." She sighs and Lisa closes her eyes. "I know," She repeats and Jisoo purses her lips. "Then tell me what's going on." She says and Lisa opens her eyes again.

"She's been avoiding me too, y'know. I don't know anymore." She says and Jisoo leans back into her seat, hands around the back of her head. "Seulgi-Unnie makes me feel safe. Like in some vast ocean she's the raft keeping me afloat, or something like that." She mutters.

"Chaeyoung on the other hand . . ." She feels a heaviness settle at her shoulders. "She makes me feel like I'm diving face-first into a tornado."

Jisoo raises an eyebrow. Her eyes speak a million words that Lisa can't decipher. She hates it when the lavender haired girl gets like this. Lisa purses her lips, "Why are you looking at me like that again?"

"Because," She says and Lisa looks at her with a slight glare.

Jisoo looks at her feet as she puts her hands down and onto the counter. "Safety, stability--it's an illusion. It's a falsehood. Something that you're feeding - like an obsession, and it's either you're ignorant to the scratches across your face or you're just addicted." She mutters. Lisa's eyes unfocus, she feels a suffocation swirl in her chest.

"I mean not to say that it's like that between you two, but when you said that I just thought that you're simply clinging to a sinking raft instead of learning to swim."

" . . .clinging to a sinking raft instead of learning how to swim, huh." She says quietly and Jisoo nods. "And sure as hell, diving face-first into a tornado ain't any better but they do say the eye of the tornado is calm."

Lisa grits her teeth. Her jaw laxes as she sighs. "How does Jennie make you feel?"

Jisoo smiles, "She makes me feel like my future is about to collapse under the weight of my griefs." She says and Lisa takes a sharp breath in. "But the funniest part is that I just don't care about that when I'm with her. I don't mind sacrificing the little things, the big things."