Why Me?

19. Painful Truth

If I was being honest with myself, I hate who I have once again become. Each morning I have to force myself to roll out of bed. It is a struggle to get dressed for the days ahead of me.

That morning I woke up reluctantly and walked across the hall to my bathroom. Pulling off my long sleeved nightshirt, my eyes stare at my arm. Before only scars of my past haunted me, not any longer now. This last week I have cut myself so many times, that I have honestly lost count. My arm is bruised up, not to mention some of the cuts were not infected. Stepping into the shower I cried out as the water stung at my open wounds on my arm.

This was all too familiar, it scares me. The cutting myself, feeling depressed. Feeling like I don't even want to live anymore. It was all to familiar from two years ago.

Once down in the shower I go and dress for the day. Not like I wanted to go to school. As I walk downstairs about to leave a knock on the front door stops me. Confused about who it was, I walked over to it slowly.

Opening it, I found myself staring up at Ryuu's smiling face. "Morning Hika." This last week, we barely spoke. I was hurting him, I knew this. Yet here he was.

"R-ryuu?" He stepped inside and pulled me into his arms. Feeling his strong arms around my form, made me feel safe and calm like before Hanzu came into the picture. Then before I knew it, my hands were gripping onto his shirt as tears fell from my eyes. "I am so sorry Ryuu.." My body trembled as he pulled me in tighter to him.

"Shh Hika. I am sorry too." He whispered softly as his one hand wrapped tightly around my body. While his other ran through my hair softly. "I got jealous ok. Knowing your ex is at our school, I kind of lost it a bit." He mumbled.

"Ryuu, p-please. F-forgive me." My words were shaken and came out in a weak stuttered plea.

"Hika? Forgive you for what?" His grip around me tightened. "You and he didn't.."

"No!" Crying out loudly, I clutched onto him even tighter as I shook my head. "I would never cheat on you." Whispering out weakly I hid my face against his chest. "I've just been so..." I didn't know what to say. How do I tell him?

"So what?" He whispered as he cupped my face in his big warm hands. Lifting my gaze to meet his, I saw the worry in his brown eyes and this made me cry more.

"I'm weak, I'm pathetic." Crying out I trembled more. "You deserve someone so much better than me.."

"Never say that! What is this all about?" He asked as he moved his hands from my face. Gliding them from my shoulders he moved them down my arms in a way to take my hands in his. However when his hand glided across my left arm, I pulled away and cried out in pain.

"Ah!" Holding my arm to my body tightly, I knew I couldn't hide it anymore. I was trembling and collapsed to the floor. "Forgive me..." I whisper out weakly once more. "I never meant to, it helped." I cried out unable to look at him. "It took the pain away.."

"Hika." Ryuuzaki rushed to me kneeling before me. His hands gently took hold of my left arm. He gazed at me as I only cried.

"I'm sorry." Was the only thing I could whisper out.

He looked down to my arm, and slowly and as gently as he could, he lifted up my one sleeve. His eyes grew wide as he stared at the many fresh cuts on my skin. A gasp left his lips as he suddenly scooped me up into his arms. "We need to get these cleaned up properly. They are already infected badly."

Slowly he carried me back up the stairs as I whispered out through my tears. "We need to go to school."

"Since when do you ever want to go to school? We are going to stay here today, together." He soon placed me down onto my bed. His hand cupped my face as he leaned in and kissed my lips. "Wait right here, ok?"