Why Me?

38. Relapse

Laying on my side in bed, my body faces the wall. With my legs pulled, my form curls up tightly into a small ball. My eyes brimming with tears that start to glide down my cheeks as I stare blankly at the wall.

"You're safe now baby." My mother spoke softly. She lay behind me snuggling up against my form, while her hand gently stroked my hair. "You can pull through this sweetie." Her words were soft and caring, as she whispered.

"Mom," my voice was shaky and almost a whisper. "Sing for me?"

Whenever I was sick, or scared as a child. My mother would always sing to me for comfort. Her voice is so angelic, it always soothes me down. Even to this very day it does.

"Of course." Still running her hands and fingers through my hair, I close my eyes. Soon her soft singing was heard. My trembling body slowly calmed as I focused fully on her voice.

Though even as I listened to her song. Yesterday's events flash through my mind.

I finally did what Ryuu asked. I opened up at my therapy group. And in the end he was right. It really did help me and made me feel better. I left that building feeling ready to fully move on from my past. To start that new life with Ryuuzaki. But than Hanzu once more had to fuck with my happiness.

I don't know if I will ever be able to move on from what he did to me. Not only did he physically scar my body, but mentally as well. It drove me straight back to cutting myself once more.

Flickering my eyes to my left arm that Ryuu bandaged up yesterday. I saw that fear and worry in his eyes. But I needed the pain to end. He held me so tightly after he found me bleeding. I felt his own body shaking in fear, he was terrified. Terrified he was going to lose me.

"Mom." Whispering out she stopped singing. I hate how much the pain has become once more.

"Hunny what is it?" She whispers softly as she kisses my head.

"Make the pain stop. I want it to end. Let me make all my suffering finally end..."

"Hika." The fear was clearly noted in her soft fragile voice.

"It hurts." Curling up into an even tighter call. My hand clutches to my chest, I can feel my rapidly beating heart. "I don't want to do this anymore. Let me end my life. P-please."

"No! I will never let you have a third attempt at killing yourself!" Her voice grew concerned.

"I am so tired of living. Let it end."

That was the last thing I remembered saying, before I cried myself to sleep.

...

Waking up, I heard soft voices whispering to one another. Laying there facing the wall, I remain silent to pretend to be sleeping still.

"We can't leave him alone anymore. He needs to be supervised 24/7." My mother's voice held nothing but fear. She knew what would happen if they left me alone for a mere second.

"What do we do? Will you put him back into the hospital?" A male spoke up, Ryuu's voice hit me.

"I don't want to, but Ryuuzaki I am scared. I can't lose him." Hearing the tears fall from my mother's eyes, hit me hard. "He is my everything, without him I have nothing..."

"Shh, we won't lose him." Ryuu whispered to comfort my mother. "I am afraid too though."

Rolling over in bed, my eyes see my boyfriend hugging my mother's tiny body as tightly as he could. She was crying into his arms on his chest as he held her. Here I am wishing my life would end. To finally have all the pain leave my heart. But listening to them. Seeing Ryuu and my mother hugging one another. Both crying afraid they will lose me.

"Put me in the Hospital." My voice spoke out silently.

I saw them both jump hearing my sudden voice speak up. They looked in my direction and rushed to the bedside. My mom sat next to me, while Ryuu knelt down on his knees next to the bed.

"I am a danger to myself right now."

"Hikaru, is this what you really want?" Ryuu whispered as he took my hand in his.

"Yes, I don't even remember cutting myself yesterday. I just remember holding my bleeding arm, wanting all the pain to end."

"If that is what you wish for, baby." I glanced at my mother as she reached out to touch my cheek softly.

Giving her a weak smile I nod my head. "Please mom. I am afraid of what I will do if I stay here. You and Ryuu can only watch me for so long. Besides, you have work to go to mom. Plus Ryuu, your suspension from School ends this week. So I am asking you both, until I am stable once again. Put me somewhere where we all know I will be watched 24/7."

My mother leaned in kissing my forehead, "I will call the hospital. Hika I love you so much. And this is the first step to recovering. Knowing you need help, I am so proud of you."

"I love you too mom, thank you." Watching her leave my room, my eyes met Ryuu's sad brown ones. I saw tears forming in them as I spoke. "I scared you again, I am so sorry. I told you, this is a mental illness, and I will never be fully recovered.

Pushing my form to sit up. I was instantly found in Ryuu's tight embrace. "Thank you Hika."

"For what?"

"For saying you will go to the hospital. Until you are ready again."

Looking down I felt ashamed. "I begged my mother to let me die. To let me kill myself."

"Shh, I know. She told me."

"Ryuu I know what I truly want deep down. It isn't to die, not yet. Not at a young age. I want to live a life Ryuu, a life with you. But his darkness inside me, it keeps trying to claw its way free. The only way I will ever truly be free from it is to end my life. If I remain here alone right now, I fear I will do that."

Ryuuzaki took my face softly in his big warm hands. "Trust me Hika, I will NEVER let you do that." Leaning in he softly kissed me. "I will never lose you Hikaru. I meant what I said the other day. Without you in my life, I have nothing."

Tears fell from my blue eyes, as Ryuu wiped them away for me. "How can you still love me?"

"You are my boyfriend." I couldn't hide the small smile hearing him say that. "I will always love you Hikaru Yamashita." Whispering softly he once more kissed me gently.

...