Why Me?

23. Blood, Poetry and Deals

Trembling in fear, my eyes can't stop staring at the video camera. Frozen in place and unable to move from my place on the floor, nothing but fear takes me over. All the thoughts of what could happen if anyone were to see that video. Gulping nervously, I didn't know what to do or how to think.

"If Ryuu ever sees it, he will never look at me the same."

Taking deep breaths, I attempted to calm myself down. Back at his home, I was about to finally tell Ryuuzaki my deepest secret. But once his sister interrupted me, I lost all courage and strength to do so.

Nobody knows that video even exists. Nobody knows the true reason I made it.

Nobody but Hanzu Atsumu that is, and now to learn all this time he has it. Fear was taking me over. Why would he bring up the video, unless he planned to use it against me. This thought made me want to throw up.

Gripping my hair in both of my hands, my eyes went from the camera to the scissors from just this morning. Squeezing my eyes shut and trying to focus on picturing Ryuuzaki's smile, knowing he wouldn't want me to.

However my heart tells me to do it. To erase all the pain.

Sadly my hand snatched up the scissors as I was pulling my sleeve of my shirt up. Staring at all the fresher cuts and scars, I know this will already not help. Though I am at that stage, where I can not stop myself. Taking the blade of the scissor, I press it against my arm. Slowly I glide it alone my skin, the deep red drops of blood now dripping out of the cut caught my eyes. But unlike all the other times, the pain is still inside of me. Even watching the blood drip from my form, it still hurts.

My eyes went to the box once more, as I crawled close to it. Reaching inside, I removed one of the many journals.

Flipping through the pages, I grumble and throw it across the room finding the pages already filled. Grabbing the next one, it too joins the other across the room for being full.

"Damn it!" Cursing out I grabbed the final journal, flipping through it I placed it on the carpet before me. This one was mostly empty, grabbing a pen I sat back down on the carpet. My eyes flickering back to my slightly bleeding arm as I stare at the blood. Soon I was scribbling down the dark thoughts running through my heart, the dark thoughts that haunted my life.

Staring at my arm, I watch the red liquid drip
With each drip then a drop, the pain slowly stops
Though now I find myself unable to quit
Unable to stop
This madness is frightening
Inside it's fighting for control
It's harder to handle, this internal battle
What I would give, to just disappear
Let me lay here in peace, just for once
Fall asleep, only to never awake
Deep down, that is my truest wish
No one would notice
No one would care
Not a soul would ask where he went
Freak with scars, blackness in his heart
No
Not one would care
Simple it would be, to end it all here
Just one more cut
To ease all this pain
Just one more cut
Push a little deeper
Just one more cut
Erase my pain, End my suffering
To close my eyes, then never awake
That is my biggest wish
Death to take me, here and now
No
Not one would care

"Hika.." Hearing his deep voice, the pen falls from my grasp. The warmth of his hands passing through my shirt. "I would care."

Knowing he read my thoughts I scribbled down, my head falls down. "I tried to stop myself, I really did." Unable to bring myself to look at him, I watch my blood start to drip upon the poem I wrote. "Ryuu, I'm b-broken. I don't think you can f-fix me."