Magcon: Can you feel my heart? // cash

Magcon: a cash story

(Kind of long opening. If you want watch the video. I recommend do both because the video is good.)

Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
The next it's the bear
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone
I call my bad days my "dark days"
Mom says try lighting candles
But when I see a candle I see the flicker of a flame
Sparks of a memory younger than noon
I am standing beside her open casket
It is the moment that I learn everyone I will ever come to know will someday die
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem
Mom says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house inside of my head
Mom says where did anxiety come from
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party
mom I am the party, only I'm a party I don't want to be at
Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends
Sure I make plans, I make plans I don't want to go to
I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go
It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun Mom
You see Mom each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
Mom says try counting sheep
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot
Baptize myself in
Mom says happy is a decision
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
My happy is a high fever that will break
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying
No Mom I am afraid of living
Mom I am lonely
I think I learned that when Dad learned how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy
So when I say I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep on the couch watching SportsCenter
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
But my depression always drags me back to my bed
Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat
But I am just a careless tourist here
I will never truly know where I have been
Mom still doesn't understand
Mom, can't you see
That neither can I

{Sabrina Benaim}

3rd POV:

"HAYES STOP IM OKAY!"

"nash I know you're not!"

Nash slammed his bedroom door in his face.

"Nash please calm down." Hayes whimper out sliding his back down the door.

Hayes knew his brother wasn't okay and he hated when he would lash out like this. He felt like he couldn't help Nash.

"I don't understand why you're so mad at me." Hayes cried out putting his head in his knees.

"BECAUSE YOU TOOK MY ONLY HAPPINESS AWAY FROM ME! YOU KNEW I LOVED HER! BECAUSE OF YOU SHE IS DEAD!" Nash screamed at the door, pulling at his hair wishing the pain would stop.

"I DIDNT KNOW SHE WAS DRIVING WHEN I TOLD HER!" Hayes screamed back.

Nash shook his head wishing his brother was never born.

"My life would've been easier if you were Never born." Nash muttered under his breath.

Nash made his way to his dresser, grabbing the knife that was laying on his books.

" I'll just go with her then." Nash said.

Hayes's head shot up, he had heard his brother.

He pounded on the door, "NASH PLEASE DONT!"

"You give me no choice Hayes." Nash responded putting the knife up to his throat.

Hayes broke down the door but he was too late. With one swift move Nash sliced his neck, his body hitting the floor.

"911 PLEASE M-MY BROTHER
H-HE JUST COMMITTED S-SUICIDE!" Hayes cried out into his phone.

He grabbed Nash's lifeless body, crying into his chest.

His brother got ripped away from him by a paramedic. Everything being drowned out by the sirens from outside.

He prayed his brother would live, and he did but he was never the same smiley person he was before. The old Nash was gone and replaced by a dark soul.
Nash held no hope for finding another love. Especially not for a guy.

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Updates will probably be slow because I have a different story I'm working on...

I hope you liked it 🌝