At 30

Day 18: Hardest Thing I've Ever Written

Chapter Eighteen

Ever since I let my family know the news of my cancer, they have been checking up on me every now and then. It's so annoying. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate and love it every bit. But it's too much. And it's only the third day! I realise I haven't really told them how much I appreciate them. Today, I am going to write a heartfelt letter to my family.

You know, when you're younger, you wanted to be so many things? Like a doctor, a pilot or an artist. One of mine was to become a writer. I don't write often but I've always loved writing. I really enjoy penning down my thoughts. I even had a diary when I was young. This should be easy for me.

I turn on my laptop and open up a Microsoft word document. After typing 'Dear Mum', I stopped. I'm stuck. I don't know what to write and yet, I have so much to write at the same time. How can I have nothing to write and yet, worry that one page isn't enough?

I cuddle up in my hoodie and refocus. If I do this sentence by sentence, it gets easier.

To my dearest Mum, Mandy, Jonathan, Callie and Newton.

This might be the hardest thing I have ever written. I pondered composing a handwritten letter to each of you, but I'm afraid I might start crying. By the time you guys read this, I might not be alive. Please know that I am very sorry. I didn't tell you guys the news earlier not because I am scared or embarrassed, but because I want to be strong and make sure you know that everything is going well with me. As I initially write this I am emotional — something I have never been good at showing and work hard to contain within me.

Mom, you were the best thing that has ever happen to me. I thank the gods every day that I was born as your daughter. When I was younger, I remember blaming you for not crying when dad died. Only to realise when I grow up, it's because you never allow yourself to cry in front of us. And for that, I apologise. You are kind, loving, strong and simply wonderful. The best mother I can ever ask for.

Mandy, you are a caring soul that deserves so much love. Bringing up Callie and Newton isn't easy but you do so effortlessly. You are the bravest mother and they are very fortunate to have you as their mum. I do hope you do not give up on love. One day, you'll definitely find someone who treats you like the queen you are.

Jonathan, you are annoying and irritating. But you are the best brother ever. You never fail to care and protect me. You hide your pain so that I won't get hurt. You dote on me the most and always understands me. Thank you for being the confidence boost I need and beating up my ex-boyfriend when he cheated on me.

Callie and Newton, both you kiddos are too young right now and I don't think grandma and your mum is going to allow you to read this. When you're older and reading this, always know that this family loves you so much and you can always fall back on them. As for your Auntie Eve, I will always watch over you guys from the sky.

Please know that I love you all so much.

Love, Evelyn.

I print it out and fold it into an envelope.

~