There are days when I hope and pray that I'm just in a long drastic nightmare. That I'll wake up to the sound of my father scolding my brother. Or my brother waking me up to go to work or have my breakfast or lunch. Or whatever. As long as he's still alive.
There are many days when I try to act indifferent and pretend as if he's not gone. And there are also nights when I can't take the pain anymore and I just cry my heart out for the younger brother I lost. I wonder when these wounds would heal.
I guess it's more of a guilt that I wasn't there when he was fighting for his life. I keep thinking how I lacked in so many ways as his older sister. I should've been one of those pillars he could lean on, but I wasn't. There were good ol' days, yeah. But laughing with your loved ones is different when you're there when they just need someone to cry with.
I've asked God, why so early? I had so many plans for him and I believe he also had, though he didn't share them that much. But God made me realize that it was His mercy and love that He took him that fast from us. Had it been not the case, he might suffer more in the future and it would hurt all of us a whole great deal.
God has wonderful plans for us, I know. Nothing compared that what we have in our minds for ourselves or those we care. And this is where true faith comes. It's a gift from God that allows us to hope for things yet unseen. I may never fully understand the pain of my brother's sudden death, but I know that He's got our back. Afterall, we're all bound to be tested. And those who will come out of His refining fire unscorsched, will reign with Him in the days to come.
King Solomon said in his book, Ecclesiastes, that there is a time to be born, a time to die, a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to mourn. It may still take a while for me to stop mourning for him. I'll be counting many birthdays, Christmas eves, and many celebrations without him just as how I would count the years when I could meet him again with our Heavenly Father.
For those who love God and are called according to His purpose, it's never ever a goodbye. It's always, "See you again. Till then"
